barely breathing.

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barely breathing. [Kaisoo; au; pg-13]

If love was a crime
Then I'm guilty as charged
Let me try to reach you
Through these little bars.


If love is a crime

Jongin loves Kyungsoo. Really, he does. He loves the way Kyungsoo’s lips draw the most perfect heart when he smiles, he loves the way Kyungsoo lovingly prepares his lunch, and he loves the way Kyungsoo whispers sweet nothings in his ears until he falls asleep. Jongin and Kyungsoo share a relationship that none of their friends think is healthy, but Jongin thinks it is, so to hell with Luhan’s worried looks and Baekhyun’s protective glares whenever Jongin shows up to any of his and Kyungsoo’s coffee dates. To hell with them. Kyungsoo is his.

(But Luhan and Baekhyun and Sehun and Yixing are right - they’ve all seen the bruises Kyungsoo has along his collarbones, and Baekhyun has, more often than not, helped clean small cuts on Kyungsoo’s arms - but nobody can expect Jongin to see reason, because all Jongin sees is his Kyungsoo.)

Then I’m guilty as charged

Kyungsoo loves Jongin. It’s his favourite thing to do - make dinner and have it waiting on the table for when Jongin comes home from work, because the look on Jongin’s face just screams happiness. Kyungsoo lives for the appreciative kisses Jongin rewards him with when his kimchi spaghetti has just the right amount of cheese, absolutely craves the warmth of every touch and hug and gesture Jongin gives him. So Kyungsoo does whatever he can to keep his Jonginnie happy, because Jongin deserves the very best.

(And it’s this that he repeats in his head every time Jongin starts to lose control while they’re being intimate - ‘It’s for Jongin, it makes Jongin happy, a little pain won’t hurt,’ - until he almost believes it, until he almost does, until Jongin is sated and asleep and Kyungsoo is left to tend to the bruises and scratches Jongin’s left on his skin. But they’re all little tokens of Jongin’s love, Kyungsoo reminds himself, dabbing at fresh wounds. And Jongin must love him a lot, Kyungsoo muses, as he pads off as quietly as he can, lower back sore and possibly bruising, to the bathroom to wash the rest of his scratches clean.)

Let me try to reach you

Jongin loves Kyungsoo. He really, really does. He wakes up every morning after having taken Kyungsoo - mind, body and soul - and wave upon wave of guilt laps up on the shores of his mind as his eyes register the various cuts and bruises on Kyungsoo’s body. He feels moisture leaking out of his eyes as they spot the various blotches of blue, purple, red and pink decorating the almost paper white of Kyungsoo’s skin. Jongin knows he shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t hurt Kyungsoo like this, but he can’t help himself. As he sits pondering his actions before dawn has even broken, his phone beeps and he reaches over to find a message from Luhan. ‘If you really loved him, you’d leave him alone.’ and Jongin holds his breath, not letting the sob that’s built up in his throat escape, because he knows, he finally knows, that Luhan is right.

(And then he quietly puts all his clothes that Kyungsoo’s washed and folded into one of the big luggage bags Kyungsoo keeps at the ready in case of an emergency, all the while wishing it could be easier, all the while wishing he knew control… All the while knowing he’d never be able to learn it. So he zips up the bag with all his belongings and wheels it to the door, rushing back into the bedroom one last time to gingerly apply plasters to Kyungsoo’s cuts and some balm to his bruises, and kisses Kyungsoo one last time - he chokes at the thought - before he walks out the door, and out of Kyungsoo’s life.)

Through these little bars

Kyungsoo loves Jongin. When he wakes up to an empty bed, Kyungsoo just assumes Jongin went out to get them some breakfast, until he realises the fresh bandages on his wounds and the absence of anything remotely Jongin in the room. Adrenaline starts pumping through his veins and though his body screams in protest, lower back and arms and just everything hurting, he leaps out of bed, not bothering to get some clothes for cover, and tears through the apartment, eyes already beginning to water because Jongin, Jongin, where is my Jongin? And he looks and looks and looks for some sort of sign, some sort of goodbye note, some sort of reassurance that for all his suffering, for all this pain he’s feeling in his body and in his heart, Jongin had loved him enough to leave him with some sort of goodbye. But hours go by and Kyungsoo’s wailing something fierce, contents of all the drawers and cupboards and wardrobes in the apartment strewn all over the floor, until finally there’s nowhere left for Kyungsoo to look, and there’s no goodbye note, and there’s no anything for him to remember Jongin by, save for all the marks he’d got on his skin.

(And days go by and Kyungsoo can’t stop drinking, then weeks pass where he altogether stops eating, until one night, one lonely summer night without Jongin there with him, he drops his head, the fatigue of days finally seeping into his no longer abused muscles, and the last of his strength finally leaves him.)

A/N: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I have no idea what's going on with me
Written for this set of requests
Yes
alright good day to you all