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caressingflames130614. [Kaisoo; g]
2000+w.
Based on yesterday's first win!
Jongin often wonders, just after he’s woken up and is forced out the van into the public eye when he’s not even fully awake yet, if all this is worth it. He wonders if it was a mistake, all of it: spending two years perfecting his moves, missing out on soccer games and wiling away hours at his friends’ houses, choosing instead to work toward a dream he wasn’t even sure he’d ever achieve. He wonders, usually none too seriously, about how dreams should remain just that: dreams, unachievable, a fantasy, a happy thought at the end of a tiring day.
Because now he’s living his adolescent dream, but he’s not sure where the dream ends and the nightmare begins, the border separating the two blurred out and outshone by stage lights and camera flashes.
Lost childhood, breached privacy, empty promises and words. Adoring eyes trained on him for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes Jongin suffocates himself with thoughts about how disappointed people would be, if they ever met the real Kim Jongin, the flawed human that exists beneath the flawless machine façade generated by SM Entertainment.
The thoughts he has reminds him he’s still human, still keeps a small part of the shy boy on his first stage performance who managed to wow the audience even with minimal training, minimal practice. But there are thoughts that even he doesn’t want to entertain – thoughts that only strike him in that space between asleep and awake, thoughts that manage to snake gentle, poisonous tendrils around his mind and heart, thoughts that strangle him with fear and insecurity that always leaves him paralysed.
But that kind of fear – that degree of terrified – barely ever goes unnoticed. Jongin thinks he does a pretty good job of covering up the holes in his confidence, but a certain member sees right through Jongin’s fortress that is Kai – sees Jongin for who he really is.
Do Kyungsoo has always been watching over Kim Jongin.
He appreciates the younger’s tanned skin and full lips, his height and the brown hair that’s a mess the minute Jongin wakes up. But most of all, he envies Jongin’s easy confidence and immense bravery – where Kyungsoo was too shy and reserved to even reveal his true feelings to Jongin, the younger had bravely (and maybe unintentionally) confessed his feelings by screaming them at him in the middle of dance practice. Where Kyungsoo always shied away from the spotlight, Jongin stood in it tall and proud, allowing himself to be scrutinised from every angle.
Kyungsoo has always been envious of Jongin’s confidence, but it’s one of the things he loves most about him.
It’s the day before their comeback stage, and Jongin has Kyungsoo’s back to his chest, has his face buried in his favourite hyung’s hair. They’re both in Jongin’s bed, after the latter had shoved Jongdae and Junmyeon into Sehun and Luhan’s room, ignoring their protests because it’s not as if you guys don’t share a bed on a regular basis anyway. Jongdae had openly glared at Jongin, that was supposed to be a secret, his eyes said. But Junmyeon immediately turned a shade of bright pink and yanked Jongdae along to their room for the night without a word.
‘Hyung?’ Jongin whispers. ‘Yeah?’ Kyungsoo replies, hands coming down to his waist to cover Jongin’s with his own. ‘Do you ever stop to think… If all of this is worth it?’ Jongin asks, uncertainty ringing clear in his voice. Kyungsoo turns to face him. ‘All of… What?’ he asks, brows furrowing. Jongin sighs and lets go of Kyungsoo, moving to sit up and lean against the wall. ‘All of this. I mean all those fans pushing and pulling at us, crowding around us until we can’t even breathe. All those years we spent in training rooms instead of on soccer fields. All those sleepless nights crying tears into a pillow that’s already seen so many. Sometimes I just – I just kind of don’t know why I chose to do it.’
Jongin’s words hang in the air between them, a silence that seems to stretch out over an eternity. Kyungsoo’s trying to find the right words, struggling to find phrases that bring justice to all those nights he’d had to hold Jongin when it had gotten too much for the younger, all those mornings when Jongin headed straight into the dance studio after having gotten exactly zero minutes of sleep.
‘Well… This is what you wanted, right? I mean regardless of all the struggles, didn’t you have a good time dreaming this dream? Didn’t you love how you used to feel after a long day training and getting praise from the instructors? Didn’t you?’ Kyungsoo asks softly. Jongin hesitates for a minute, all those memories flooding back. ‘Yeah, I did.’ He replies, a small smile gracing his features and making Kyungsoo’s heart beat just that little bit faster.
‘And when we debuted – don’t you remember how excited you were the night before the showcase? Don’t you remember how all of us had sat in a circle that night, when all our hearts were beating so fast we couldn’t sleep, all those words Junmyeon hyung and Wufan hyung said, all that strength those words gave us?’ Kyungsoo says, sitting himself up and positioning himself right next to Jongin, intertwining their fingers together naturally – as if their hands had been made to hold each other’s.
‘Remember when Jongdae hyung accidentally threw out like ten bottles of Wufan hyung’s bb cream? I never thought I’d seen anybody that mad.’ Jongin says, the memory bringing a laugh to his lips and crinkles to his eyes. ‘And that time Baekhyun and Chanyeol tied Sehun up in a chair to try and figure out why his lisp was so bad?’ Kyungsoo says. ‘Luhan hyung was livid,’ Jongin replies.
They sit there in silence for a while, Jongin’s thumb drawing circles on the back of Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and decides to break the silence. ‘You’ve saved lives, you know, Jongin,’ he says. A frown starts to form on Jongin’s features as he turns to face Kyungsoo. ‘All those fan letters we got – so many people from around this whole world are still alive only because you gave them hope. I know you think people love you for Kai – but so many of them love you all the more because of Jongin. They wouldn’t still be alive if it weren’t for your dancing. They wouldn’t still be alive if it weren’t for you. You saved them Jongin, right when they needed saving the most.’
Kyungsoo turns to meet Jongin’s eyes, and the latter has astonishment registered clear in them. A soft smile grows on Kyungsoo’s lips before he leans in close to his boyfriend, stopping when his lips are only a moment away from Jongin’s.
‘You saved me.’
//
There’s a flurry of activity backstage, shaking hands dropping water bottles, voices cracking in nervous anticipation, bandanas being stuffed haphazardly into caps. All the members of Exo are nervous wrecks, all well aware of what was to come the moment they stepped onstage again. Junmyeon is struggling not to bleed out instead of Suho, trying to calm all his members while his own adrenaline wages wars in his veins. He manages, however, to pull himself together a mere five minutes before they know they’re due onstage, and calls all his members to him and gathers them all in a circle.
‘Guys – guys. This is it.’ Junmyeon begins, the calm of his voice completely at odds with the chaos in his ribcage. ‘I want you guys to know – you’re the best team I could ever have asked for. All those days and nights spent arguing over parts and steps and all of those petty things – it all amounted to this. I don’t know what those results are going to be like – I don’t know what the next twenty minutes holds for us. But I do know that we have come so, so far and I can’t say I care more about bringing a trophy back to the dorms than I do about all of you here with me now.’ Junmyeon looks to Wufan, who nods and opens his mouth to continue, leadership evident in the way he picks just the right words, like a general giving encouragement just before his troops go out to war.
‘A trophy is nothing but metal and plastic bent into a symbol. We are more than that – we are Exo, we are one. No matter what happens tonight, we’ve all done our best. Junmyeon and I are thankful to all of you and we couldn’t have asked for a better team – better talents to have taken on this endeavour with. We’re both proud of you. So Exo – ’
‘SARANGHANDA!’
//
The last few beats of Wolf dies down, and the members scatter out of their ending pose and into a messy group of boys whose nerves are wreaking havoc on their minds. Jongin barely registers how far away Kyungsoo is from him, wants to go closer – but at the same time he can’t move, seven years of his life leading up to this moment. He notes – vaguely – that Taemin is somewhere near him, because there’s a familiar hand rubbing comforting circles into his back, just where his waist injury is, and it’s too large to be Kyungsoo’s.
He watches the screen as his own members and his competitor’s album cover graces the screen, heart beating too loud in his chest as the numbers grow and tally. There’s a brief few seconds where the numbers blink – exactly the same on both ends and –
And he loses it.
Because Exo’s numbers go up, and there are shouts of congratulations and pats on his back and he’s being yanked to the front of the group and there’s confetti and a trophy and tears are starting to stream down his cheeks and Jongin’s suddenly thankful for the cap he has stuffed on his head. He sneaks a glance at Kyungsoo – who’s still calm, still collected, graciously accepting the congratulations from members of other bands and he’s suddenly overcome with a fondness so strong for the latter, memories upon memories of all the times Kyungsoo’s ever lost sleep trying to calm Jongin down, all the times Kyungsoo wakes up early to make Jongin his favourite breakfast after a long day, all the times Kyungsoo gives himself over to Jongin completely just because Jongin needs him. And there’s no use hiding it, he’s bawling now, but he squats down at the side – out of the spotlight, for once, he vaguely thinks – pulls his cap down a little more over his face to hide it.
The opening beat for Wolf blares on the speakers, and he feels Taemin pull him up and envelope him in a back hug with a quiet whisper of congratulations and an I’m proud of you before Jongin fades away and Kai comes back, somewhat – dancing a dance they’d all spent months on, him front and centre, the main dancer he is, and he doesn’t notice, but Kyungsoo’s watching him with pride and happiness evident in his eyes, with nothing but fondness and love in his heart.
And later – later after the fan meeting and after Jongin sheds a few more tears and after they’ve all had cake and handed the trophy around, steadily coming down from their high – Jongin pulls Kyungsoo aside, pushes him up against a wall with a low snicker, smashes his lips against Kyungsoo’s with more energy than he’s ever done before. Kyungsoo’s eyebrows are raised when they pull away, but his eyes are half lidded and Jongin both hates and loves when Kyungsoo looks at him that way – like he’s Kyungsoo’s everything, like he’s both too in love and not in love enough with the man that has him in his arms. ‘Congratulations,’ Kyungsoo whispers softly, finally able to congratulate his boyfriend after all these hours – that felt like two forevers – spent apart. ‘Congratulations yourself,’ Jongin replies, a smirk curling his lip. ‘I’m so proud of you,’ Kyungsoo mumbles, drawing Jongin closer and peppering kisses along his jaw and his neck. ‘I’m proud of you too,’ Jongin says, a light laugh escaping his lips. ‘But hyung… Hold on hyung let me just – ’ Jongin murmurs, moving his hand to cup Kyungsoo’s chin and to tilt his head up so he can look into his boyfriend’s adorably large eyes. ‘What is it?’ Kyungsoo asks, confusion evident in his voice.
‘Thank you.’ Jongin whispers, tone so sincere it gets Kyungsoo off guard. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, though. He’s too immersed in Jongin’s eyes – still slightly puffy from all the crying he did before, but still filled with what Kyungsoo thinks is adoration. Jongin comes even closer, his other hand curling around Kyungsoo’s waist as his breath ghosts over Kyungsoo’s lips –
‘Thank you for saving me.’
A/N: I wrote seven years because 2 years to get into SM 4 years training 1 year since debut yep
FOR![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hokaidos I’M SORRY THIS IS SO SHITTY HUHUHUHUHU
ALSO EXO SARANGHANDA I’M SO PROUD I HAVE MOMMY FEELS I THINK
THANK YOU FOR READING
IF YOU GOT
THIS
FAR
2000+w.
Based on yesterday's first win!
Jongin often wonders, just after he’s woken up and is forced out the van into the public eye when he’s not even fully awake yet, if all this is worth it. He wonders if it was a mistake, all of it: spending two years perfecting his moves, missing out on soccer games and wiling away hours at his friends’ houses, choosing instead to work toward a dream he wasn’t even sure he’d ever achieve. He wonders, usually none too seriously, about how dreams should remain just that: dreams, unachievable, a fantasy, a happy thought at the end of a tiring day.
Because now he’s living his adolescent dream, but he’s not sure where the dream ends and the nightmare begins, the border separating the two blurred out and outshone by stage lights and camera flashes.
Lost childhood, breached privacy, empty promises and words. Adoring eyes trained on him for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes Jongin suffocates himself with thoughts about how disappointed people would be, if they ever met the real Kim Jongin, the flawed human that exists beneath the flawless machine façade generated by SM Entertainment.
The thoughts he has reminds him he’s still human, still keeps a small part of the shy boy on his first stage performance who managed to wow the audience even with minimal training, minimal practice. But there are thoughts that even he doesn’t want to entertain – thoughts that only strike him in that space between asleep and awake, thoughts that manage to snake gentle, poisonous tendrils around his mind and heart, thoughts that strangle him with fear and insecurity that always leaves him paralysed.
But that kind of fear – that degree of terrified – barely ever goes unnoticed. Jongin thinks he does a pretty good job of covering up the holes in his confidence, but a certain member sees right through Jongin’s fortress that is Kai – sees Jongin for who he really is.
Do Kyungsoo has always been watching over Kim Jongin.
He appreciates the younger’s tanned skin and full lips, his height and the brown hair that’s a mess the minute Jongin wakes up. But most of all, he envies Jongin’s easy confidence and immense bravery – where Kyungsoo was too shy and reserved to even reveal his true feelings to Jongin, the younger had bravely (and maybe unintentionally) confessed his feelings by screaming them at him in the middle of dance practice. Where Kyungsoo always shied away from the spotlight, Jongin stood in it tall and proud, allowing himself to be scrutinised from every angle.
Kyungsoo has always been envious of Jongin’s confidence, but it’s one of the things he loves most about him.
It’s the day before their comeback stage, and Jongin has Kyungsoo’s back to his chest, has his face buried in his favourite hyung’s hair. They’re both in Jongin’s bed, after the latter had shoved Jongdae and Junmyeon into Sehun and Luhan’s room, ignoring their protests because it’s not as if you guys don’t share a bed on a regular basis anyway. Jongdae had openly glared at Jongin, that was supposed to be a secret, his eyes said. But Junmyeon immediately turned a shade of bright pink and yanked Jongdae along to their room for the night without a word.
‘Hyung?’ Jongin whispers. ‘Yeah?’ Kyungsoo replies, hands coming down to his waist to cover Jongin’s with his own. ‘Do you ever stop to think… If all of this is worth it?’ Jongin asks, uncertainty ringing clear in his voice. Kyungsoo turns to face him. ‘All of… What?’ he asks, brows furrowing. Jongin sighs and lets go of Kyungsoo, moving to sit up and lean against the wall. ‘All of this. I mean all those fans pushing and pulling at us, crowding around us until we can’t even breathe. All those years we spent in training rooms instead of on soccer fields. All those sleepless nights crying tears into a pillow that’s already seen so many. Sometimes I just – I just kind of don’t know why I chose to do it.’
Jongin’s words hang in the air between them, a silence that seems to stretch out over an eternity. Kyungsoo’s trying to find the right words, struggling to find phrases that bring justice to all those nights he’d had to hold Jongin when it had gotten too much for the younger, all those mornings when Jongin headed straight into the dance studio after having gotten exactly zero minutes of sleep.
‘Well… This is what you wanted, right? I mean regardless of all the struggles, didn’t you have a good time dreaming this dream? Didn’t you love how you used to feel after a long day training and getting praise from the instructors? Didn’t you?’ Kyungsoo asks softly. Jongin hesitates for a minute, all those memories flooding back. ‘Yeah, I did.’ He replies, a small smile gracing his features and making Kyungsoo’s heart beat just that little bit faster.
‘And when we debuted – don’t you remember how excited you were the night before the showcase? Don’t you remember how all of us had sat in a circle that night, when all our hearts were beating so fast we couldn’t sleep, all those words Junmyeon hyung and Wufan hyung said, all that strength those words gave us?’ Kyungsoo says, sitting himself up and positioning himself right next to Jongin, intertwining their fingers together naturally – as if their hands had been made to hold each other’s.
‘Remember when Jongdae hyung accidentally threw out like ten bottles of Wufan hyung’s bb cream? I never thought I’d seen anybody that mad.’ Jongin says, the memory bringing a laugh to his lips and crinkles to his eyes. ‘And that time Baekhyun and Chanyeol tied Sehun up in a chair to try and figure out why his lisp was so bad?’ Kyungsoo says. ‘Luhan hyung was livid,’ Jongin replies.
They sit there in silence for a while, Jongin’s thumb drawing circles on the back of Kyungsoo’s hand. Kyungsoo takes a deep breath and decides to break the silence. ‘You’ve saved lives, you know, Jongin,’ he says. A frown starts to form on Jongin’s features as he turns to face Kyungsoo. ‘All those fan letters we got – so many people from around this whole world are still alive only because you gave them hope. I know you think people love you for Kai – but so many of them love you all the more because of Jongin. They wouldn’t still be alive if it weren’t for your dancing. They wouldn’t still be alive if it weren’t for you. You saved them Jongin, right when they needed saving the most.’
Kyungsoo turns to meet Jongin’s eyes, and the latter has astonishment registered clear in them. A soft smile grows on Kyungsoo’s lips before he leans in close to his boyfriend, stopping when his lips are only a moment away from Jongin’s.
‘You saved me.’
//
There’s a flurry of activity backstage, shaking hands dropping water bottles, voices cracking in nervous anticipation, bandanas being stuffed haphazardly into caps. All the members of Exo are nervous wrecks, all well aware of what was to come the moment they stepped onstage again. Junmyeon is struggling not to bleed out instead of Suho, trying to calm all his members while his own adrenaline wages wars in his veins. He manages, however, to pull himself together a mere five minutes before they know they’re due onstage, and calls all his members to him and gathers them all in a circle.
‘Guys – guys. This is it.’ Junmyeon begins, the calm of his voice completely at odds with the chaos in his ribcage. ‘I want you guys to know – you’re the best team I could ever have asked for. All those days and nights spent arguing over parts and steps and all of those petty things – it all amounted to this. I don’t know what those results are going to be like – I don’t know what the next twenty minutes holds for us. But I do know that we have come so, so far and I can’t say I care more about bringing a trophy back to the dorms than I do about all of you here with me now.’ Junmyeon looks to Wufan, who nods and opens his mouth to continue, leadership evident in the way he picks just the right words, like a general giving encouragement just before his troops go out to war.
‘A trophy is nothing but metal and plastic bent into a symbol. We are more than that – we are Exo, we are one. No matter what happens tonight, we’ve all done our best. Junmyeon and I are thankful to all of you and we couldn’t have asked for a better team – better talents to have taken on this endeavour with. We’re both proud of you. So Exo – ’
‘SARANGHANDA!’
//
The last few beats of Wolf dies down, and the members scatter out of their ending pose and into a messy group of boys whose nerves are wreaking havoc on their minds. Jongin barely registers how far away Kyungsoo is from him, wants to go closer – but at the same time he can’t move, seven years of his life leading up to this moment. He notes – vaguely – that Taemin is somewhere near him, because there’s a familiar hand rubbing comforting circles into his back, just where his waist injury is, and it’s too large to be Kyungsoo’s.
He watches the screen as his own members and his competitor’s album cover graces the screen, heart beating too loud in his chest as the numbers grow and tally. There’s a brief few seconds where the numbers blink – exactly the same on both ends and –
And he loses it.
Because Exo’s numbers go up, and there are shouts of congratulations and pats on his back and he’s being yanked to the front of the group and there’s confetti and a trophy and tears are starting to stream down his cheeks and Jongin’s suddenly thankful for the cap he has stuffed on his head. He sneaks a glance at Kyungsoo – who’s still calm, still collected, graciously accepting the congratulations from members of other bands and he’s suddenly overcome with a fondness so strong for the latter, memories upon memories of all the times Kyungsoo’s ever lost sleep trying to calm Jongin down, all the times Kyungsoo wakes up early to make Jongin his favourite breakfast after a long day, all the times Kyungsoo gives himself over to Jongin completely just because Jongin needs him. And there’s no use hiding it, he’s bawling now, but he squats down at the side – out of the spotlight, for once, he vaguely thinks – pulls his cap down a little more over his face to hide it.
The opening beat for Wolf blares on the speakers, and he feels Taemin pull him up and envelope him in a back hug with a quiet whisper of congratulations and an I’m proud of you before Jongin fades away and Kai comes back, somewhat – dancing a dance they’d all spent months on, him front and centre, the main dancer he is, and he doesn’t notice, but Kyungsoo’s watching him with pride and happiness evident in his eyes, with nothing but fondness and love in his heart.
And later – later after the fan meeting and after Jongin sheds a few more tears and after they’ve all had cake and handed the trophy around, steadily coming down from their high – Jongin pulls Kyungsoo aside, pushes him up against a wall with a low snicker, smashes his lips against Kyungsoo’s with more energy than he’s ever done before. Kyungsoo’s eyebrows are raised when they pull away, but his eyes are half lidded and Jongin both hates and loves when Kyungsoo looks at him that way – like he’s Kyungsoo’s everything, like he’s both too in love and not in love enough with the man that has him in his arms. ‘Congratulations,’ Kyungsoo whispers softly, finally able to congratulate his boyfriend after all these hours – that felt like two forevers – spent apart. ‘Congratulations yourself,’ Jongin replies, a smirk curling his lip. ‘I’m so proud of you,’ Kyungsoo mumbles, drawing Jongin closer and peppering kisses along his jaw and his neck. ‘I’m proud of you too,’ Jongin says, a light laugh escaping his lips. ‘But hyung… Hold on hyung let me just – ’ Jongin murmurs, moving his hand to cup Kyungsoo’s chin and to tilt his head up so he can look into his boyfriend’s adorably large eyes. ‘What is it?’ Kyungsoo asks, confusion evident in his voice.
‘Thank you.’ Jongin whispers, tone so sincere it gets Kyungsoo off guard. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, though. He’s too immersed in Jongin’s eyes – still slightly puffy from all the crying he did before, but still filled with what Kyungsoo thinks is adoration. Jongin comes even closer, his other hand curling around Kyungsoo’s waist as his breath ghosts over Kyungsoo’s lips –
‘Thank you for saving me.’
A/N: I wrote seven years because 2 years to get into SM 4 years training 1 year since debut yep
FOR
hokaidos I’M SORRY THIS IS SO SHITTY HUHUHUHUHUALSO EXO SARANGHANDA I’M SO PROUD I HAVE MOMMY FEELS I THINK
THANK YOU FOR READING
IF YOU GOT
THIS
FAR
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