forever starts when the lights go out.
Jun. 20th, 2013 11:48 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
caressingflamesforever starts when the lights go out. [Kaisoo; pg]
~6000w.
The first time Jongin proposes to Kyungsoo is in the playground, with his hand clutching a soft brown wooden ring (that he made himself) and his heart set on forever.
Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo have been together forever. There are photos of their first meeting – a chubby cheeked 1 year old peering into a crib containing a newborn baby – that neither of them can remember, and countless other photos that they can, memories that shine clearly through the haze of years passed.
Our story begins when Kim Jongin is six years old, and Do Kyungsoo is seven. The two live in the same neighbourhood, a quiet house in the suburbs of Seoul where children – like themselves – are often seen running around freely, enjoying their carefree days to the fullest. Jongin and Kyungsoo are no exception.
They’re at the park now, two little boys in their own imaginary world in which Kyungsoo is Peter Pan and Jongin is a reluctant Captain Hook. But if his Kyungsoo hyung wants to play Peter Pan, then Jongin doesn’t mind being the bad guy, he supposes. ‘Hand over the booty!’ Kyungsoo screeches, eyes locked on the coin Jongin’s sister had given them clutched in his hand. ‘Arr, no! The booty is mine!’ Jongin hisses, hand forming something resembling a hook, waving it in front of Kyungsoo’s face as the latter leaps back in shock. ‘Then I guess I’m going to have to take it!’ Kyungsoo hollers, and he brandishes his new Power Rangers ruler at Jongin in what he thinks is a threatening manner.
The two wind up battling it out in the sandbox, the grass around it a treacherous sea that neither want to fall into. Finally Jongin gets tired of the game – mostly because with one hand curled into a hook and the other holding on to the coin, Jongin doesn’t really have a fighting chance – and holds his hands up in surrender. He enjoys the look of triumph on Kyungsoo’s face, the way his baby fat still shows up a little when he smiles in exactly that way, the way his eyes crinkle and Jongin feels happy to be the cause of all that beauty.
Jongin feels happy whenever he is with Kyungsoo.
‘You gave up quickly!’ Kyungsoo remarks, moving to get out of the sandbox and pulling Jongin out after him. ‘I got tired,’ Jongin says, jumping a few times to get the sand out of his shorts. ‘Since when do you get tired?’ Kyungsoo asks, wrinkling his nose as he moves to sit on one of the swings. Jongin resists the urge to pinch Kyungsoo’s cheeks – ‘I’m a big boy now, Jongin, so you can’t treat me like I’m one of those littler kids!’ ‘But you look like one of them!’ ‘I don’t care! I’m a big kid now!’ – and pockets the coin before he goes wandering around the rest of the playground.
‘Are you looking for something?’ Kyungsoo asks, and Jongin feels somewhat silly, but Kyungsoo’s voice is one of his favourite things in the world, right up there with ice cream and Saturday morning cartoons. ‘Nothing really, hyung!’ Jongin calls back, facing the opposite direction in hopes that Kyungsoo wouldn’t see the blush that was creeping on his face. ‘Well don’t go too far, or your noona will be mad!’ Kyungsoo shouts again, and Jongin nods in response.
He’d watched a show with his family last night – an icky love story, Jongin had thought before the movie started – and had asked why the man was giving his girlfriend a ring while he was down on one knee. ‘Do his legs hurt?’ Jongin asked his mother, who chuckled to herself and shook her head. ‘No, baby. He’s giving her one of these,’ Mrs Kim answered, showing the diamond engagement ring Jongin’s father had given her a few years back. ‘A ring? What for?’ Jongin questioned again, drawing irritated looks from his older sisters.
‘When two people love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, they do this thing called “get married”. When one of them – like your father, and that man on the TV just now – decides that they want to get married, they give the other person a ring – just like this one – and it means that they’re engaged to be married.’ Mrs Kim said, running her hands through her youngest son’s hair. Jongin had nodded in understanding, eyes moving back to the screen. He’d admired their love story, really – how they stuck with each other through thick and thin, how even when the girl cried and looked kind of ugly, the man still told her she was beautiful and that he loved her.
Jongin decided he wanted the same with Kyungsoo.
So when Jongin finds a tiny, delicate looking twig on the ground, his heart leaps. He crouches down to pick it up – ‘You better not be picking a bug to eat, Jongin!’ ‘I’m not, Soo hyung!’ – almost jumps for joy when he feels that it is easily bent and teased. He sits there for a few minutes, twirling it around his little ring finger before he decides it’s somewhat presentable enough to give to Kyungsoo. He stands up again, legs somewhat cramped from squatting for such a long time, takes a deep breath and makes his way back to Kyungsoo.
‘What do you have there?’ Kyungsoo asks, inquisitive eyes trying to peer around Jongin’s back to the thing he’s got clutched in his hands. ‘A present,’ Jongin mumbles quietly, suddenly hyper aware of how high the possibilities were that Kyungsoo could say no. ‘Is it for me?’ Kyungsoo asks again, eyes brightening at the thought. Jongin nods a little hesitantly, hair bouncing on top of his head as he finally lifts his eyes to meet Kyungsoo’s.
‘Hyung, do you know what “getting married” is?’ Jongin begins, voice finally finding its way out of his mouth. ‘Yeah,’ Kyungsoo answers, smile steadily growing wider. ‘Well,’ Jongin says, getting down on one knee in front of Kyungsoo’s who’s still seated on the swings, ‘The thing is, I think I kind of might be really in love with you. So will you marry me, hyung?’
Kyungsoo’s eyes go wide in disbelief, but Jongin isn’t sure whether it’s a pleasant or unpleasant kind of shock the older’s experiencing. A few long moments pass before Kyungsoo’s eyes go back to their normal size and curl up into twin crescents from the strength of his smile. ‘If you can push my swing so high I can see my house from here, I’ll marry you,’ Kyungsoo says, a mischievous undertone present in his voice. Jongin nods eagerly and puts his ring in his pocket, moving to position himself behind Kyungsoo before using up all his strength to heave the older back and push him up in the air.
Kyungsoo starts giggling – another one of Jongin’s favourite sounds, he thinks – and cries out in surprise when the force of Jongin’s push propels him higher than his legs had ever taken him, when he did this alone. ‘I can see my house from here!’ Kyungsoo confirms in a happy yell, and Jongin’s heart does somersaults in his chest as he steps out of the way to avoid getting winded by Kyungsoo coming back down.
When Kyungsoo’s back on the ground, red-faced and giggly, Jongin holds out the ring to him again with such a hopeful expression Kyungsoo swears he can practically see Jongin’s little doggy tail wagging. Kyungsoo smirks at the younger though, and pushes the ring away. Jongin’s expression falls immediately – and he doesn’t want to admit it, but he thinks he can’t properly see Kyungsoo because his vision has been blurred by tears that are threatening to spill over at any minute.
‘Ask me again in a couple of years, Jongin. For now, it’s a maybe,’ Kyungsoo says, that mischievous look ever present in his eyes. Jongin’s tears dry up immediately, and a smile grows on his face. ‘So all I have to do is wait? And ask you again? And then you’ll marry me?’ Jongin asks, bombarding Kyungsoo with questions he only wants to answer one of. ‘Maybe.’ comes Kyungsoo’s reply, and then Jongin’s sister is calling out to them and it’s time for them to head back home.
Later that night, Jongin pulls out his journal – he’s a boy, and diaries are meant for girls, thank you very much – and carefully pens an entry in large, messy handwriting.
10th April 2000 – Kyungsoo hyung says he might marry me. He’s not sure yet. I’ll have to ask him again in a couple of years just to make sure.
I want to be with him forever.
+
The second time Jongin asks him is the next day, hopes as high as his mind can fathom. His enthusiasm is greeted with a sad smile, and a gentle reprimand of ‘I said in a couple of years, not hours, Jongin.’ Jongin’s face falls in the same way, but Kyungsoo takes pity on the younger boy and gives him a gentle peck on the cheek. ‘My answer is still maybe. Ask me again in a few years.’
Jongin’s heart leaps.
+
Jongin is 14 and he can’t breathe. He’d spent the past two years of his life trying his hardest to get into SM, consequently missing out on spending days out with Kyungsoo and playing football with his sister’s boyfriend in his quest to perfect the movement of all his newly gangly limbs. It’s ironic, he thinks, that the very thing he dreams of doing – the only thing (other than Kyungsoo) that keeps him going is the exact cause of his nervous heart palpitations right then.
He’s standing inside the SM building at his final call back, in a line of other nervous hopefuls who eye him viciously. Jongin tries to ignore them all, but it’s near impossible – his dance classmate, Taemin, had managed to get in on his first try, and here Jongin was at his third, his previous two having ended in no phone call and sleepless nights wondering why. He looks back at the line and wonders how many of them have been having a go at the audition for years – wonders how many dreams SM will crush today. But he doesn’t have much time to dwell on his thoughts, because just then a woman dressed in a soft yellow dress shirt and light blue skirt with her hair pulled up in a severe looking bun exits the room the evaluators are in.
The tension in the air is so heavy Jongin suddenly feels flattened by it, but he doesn’t let his nerves show, doesn’t crack in front of the competition. The woman begins telling the hopefuls that they all have talent, all have potential – but the idol market is predicted to become oversaturated with talents from existing and future entertainment companies, and, though they would like to accept them all, it is crucial that they only pick the best of the best.
Jongin swallows a lump that formed in the back of his throat as the woman begins to coolly read names of a very short list, waiting for each newly accepted trainee to stand up, greet her and make his or her way to the next room. Jongin knows it’s company policy to only accept four trainees from the auditions, and he’s counted, there’s only one name left on her list.
He doesn’t think he can handle the disappointment a third time, but he tries his best to ready himself for the pain of not having his name called out again. He screws his eyes shut tight and grips the fabric of his sweatpants so hard his knuckles turn white, when – ‘And lastly, Kim Jongin.’
Jongin looks up at the woman with a mixture of wonder and disbelief on his face, eyes starting to sting with emotion as the reality finally hits him – he’s been accepted. He’s done it. He’s officially a trainee at SM Entertainment. His hard work, all those classes he’d gone to – they’d all paid off. Jongin quickly gathers up his gym bag, gets off his chair and rushes over to greet the woman and proceed to the next room, where he is given a set of instructions in terms of his contract and some intimidating-looking lawyer’s contact details. Jongin absorbs almost none of this, though, because all he can think of is the look on Kyungsoo’s face when he breaks the news.
When they’re allowed to go Jongin all but runs all the way home, excitement barely contained. He doesn’t properly stop running until he’s at Kyungsoo’s front door (instead of his own) and his fist is busy trying to leave an indent in the wood. Kyungsoo yanks the door open and is about to let out an irritable ‘What the hell do you want, Kim Jongin?’ but the words die in his throat when he sees the letter Jongin has in his hand, and Kyungsoo envelopes the younger in a tight hug.
‘You did it, Jonginnie! You finally did it!’ Kyungsoo exclaims, voice brimming with emotion. The look of sheer joy on Jongin’s face is infectious, and Kyungsoo feels a large smile crawl onto his own, mirroring the younger’s. ‘I know, I know, it’s unbelievable, right?’ Jongin says, smile never wavering. They stand in the doorway for a few moments, eyes locked on each other’s and just a general aura of joy surrounding them. Jongin decides there isn’t a better time to do this, and maybe his luck will change, so he gets down on one knee – for the fifth time – and pulls out a ring he’d won from the arcade the other day.
‘Kyungsoo hyung, will you marry me?’ he asks, voice still as hopeful as it was eight years ago. ‘Kim Jongin, you sly bastard. I’m not even dating you and you’re already asking me to marry you,’ Kyungsoo says, a laugh garbling his words. ‘Is that a yes?’ Jongin asks, already mentally thanking Lady Luck for bringing him so much fortune today. Kyungsoo grabs Jongin’s hands with both of his, curling the younger’s fingers over the ring in his palm.
‘Maybe. Ask me again in a few years.’
+
Somewhere between Jongin’s official acceptance as a trainee into SM Entertainment and Kyungsoo’s being scouted, Jongin plucks up the courage to ask Kyungsoo to be his boyfriend. The latter gladly accepts, whispering out a ‘finally,’ after they share their first kiss.
When Kyungsoo also becomes a trainee, Jongin decides to step it up a notch, spending a sizeable chunk of his savings on a silver ring, which he uses to propose for the sixth time.
The day he asks Kyungsoo one more time to marry him, Kyungsoo brings his ‘maybe. Ask me again in a few years,’ count up to six.
+
The atmosphere inside Conference Room 2 is stifling. Jongin has no idea why he’s in there – it’s not the 1st or 16th, so he knows he isn’t in here to be given his fortnightly trainee evaluation. The other 11 trainees in the room – among whom, he notes with mild surprise, is Kyungsoo – also look just as clueless, and Jongin feels the fear of the unknown rise up in his throat.
A man he recognises as Mr Choi, one of the company’s higher ranking employees, pushes the door open and gives all twelve boys a curt nod. Jongin automatically dips down in a 90 degree bow, heart beating loudly in his chest. There’s a folder in Mr Choi’s hands, and Jongin can vaguely make out something that looks like a hexagon on the cover, but with lines crossing from certain corners to other ones. Jongin doesn’t want to get his hopes up – but it looks something like a new logo for a boy band.
‘Good morning. Please take a seat.’ Mr Choi says, voice crisp and sharp, using only as many words as he needs. All twelve trainees shuffle about uncertainly, until the tallest of them – the trainee who has so many names Jongin’s grown accustomed to just calling him Fan hyung – takes a seat and the others follow suit. They eye each other up and down, ‘sizing up the competition,’ just like their trainers told them to do. But there’s no real hostility between them, because there are some things you need to go through with other people by your side – and being a trainee at the famed SM Entertainment is one of them.
‘I’ll keep this as short and simple as possible. The company plans to debut a new group within the first quarter of next year, and it’s a group with a unique concept in that there will be two sub groups – the K and M units – that will promote Korean songs in Korea and Mandarin songs in China respectively. I suppose a congratulations is in order. You have all been selected to be a part of this new venture.’ Mr Choi’s previously unreadable face breaks out into a large grin, and worried looks evaporate from young faces, replaced with expressions of joy and happiness.
Jongin thinks his face might break in half, the strength of his smile is as such. He turns to face Kyungsoo, easily spotting the older’s large eyes in a line of others, and finds them already on him. Jongin mouths a silent ‘we did it!’ at Kyungsoo, and the older’s face lights up even more as he holds a thumbs up for Jongin. Jongin’s heart swells with pride and he thinks, finally, that luck is on his side.
Being able to dance, to perform for other people, to finally showcase his talent and do what he loves for a living – it’s a dream to Jongin, something he previously thought was unattainable. But now, with the pages that he’s being handed containing his contract, he’s hit with the reality of his fortune, being able to dance to the sound of Kyungsoo’s voice for the next few years.
Jongin wonders if the smile that’s on Kyungsoo’s lips in any way mirrors the one that’s on his own heart.
+
The night before their debut showcase, Kyungsoo and Jongin decide to sleep in Jongin’s bed, both their hearts waging wars in their ribcages. Kyungsoo’s back is pressed up against Jongin’s chest, and he’s got the younger’s palm held up to his nose. It’s an odd habit, Baekhyun had commented, but Kyungsoo thinks nothing of it because for as long as he can remember, the only thing that could properly calm him down was Jongin, and Jongin alone. Besides, Kyungsoo really liked the way Jongin smells – like soap and something sweet, and he sleeps best when that smell engulfs him.
Tonight, however, is an exception, both hearts beating erratically, too loud in their ears to sleep. ‘Soo?’ Jongin whispers, breath warming the outer shell of Kyungsoo’s ear. ‘Yeah?’ Kyungsoo breathes back, too afraid to speak too loudly for fear of waking up their other members. ‘Are you nervous?’ Jongin asks. Kyungsoo chuckles softly and brings Jongin’s palm to his chest, settling it right above his rapidly beating heart. Jongin contemplates the rapid thrum he feels under his fingers, and lets out a little laugh. ‘I take it you are,’ he whispers, dragging Kyungsoo closer into his chest and burying his face in the older’s hair.
‘We’ll be fine, you know.’
‘I know.’
‘So get some sleep.’
‘I will.’
‘That’s good.’
‘Hey Jongin?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
They fall asleep for a few hours before Kyungsoo’s phone alarm awakens them and Kyungsoo leaps from Jongin’s bed onto his own before Junmyeon can come in to make sure they’re both awake. Jongin and Kyungsoo glance at each other, reassuring looks before they get up and get ready for the day.
Hours pass by in a haze of hurried final rehearsals, briefings on costume changes, vocal run-throughs and clouds of hair product accompanied by tubs of makeup. Junmyeon and Wufan manage to round up the other ten members to give them all final words of inspiration before they’re all filing out to their places on stage.
The showcase goes off without a hitch, and all twelve members of the newly-debuted boy band from SM Entertainment, Exo, are riding on highs born of months of hard work, countless sleepless nights and tears cried into pillows, finally coming to fruition. Jongin’s especially giddy after the spotlight dims, and he yanks Kyungsoo in with him to a broom closet, roughly pushing the older up against the door and snatching his lips up in a passionate kiss. Kyungsoo tastes like lip gloss and sweat and adrenaline, and Jongin feels like he could get addicted to this.
He pulls away from Kyungsoo, breath coming out in laboured pants, face flushed a bright red from the moment he stepped off stage. He doesn’t have a ring with him, doesn’t have any sort of symbol to give Kyungsoo right that very moment – but he presses his forehead up against the older’s anyway, and whispers, so quietly even Kyungsoo barely hears him: ‘Will you marry me?’
Kyungsoo smiles an affectionate smile before granting Jongin a chaste kiss on full lips.
‘Ask me again sometime.’
+
Years go by and Jongin and Kyungsoo, along with the rest of Exo, soar to greater heights. Being in SM, with so many other madly popular groups means that comebacks are few and far between for these boys, so they have to work doubly hard to gain recognition and proper footing in the industry. They have their first comeback, with a repackage after their first anniversary, one after their two and a half year mark, and debut in Japan somewhere within their third year. Thei fourth year sees some members moving out of the dorms, Jongin and Kyungsoo making a home in a small apartment in the building opposite their assigned dorms provided by SM.
None of the members realise it at first, but time is beginning to catch up to them. Gradually their choreography gets less strenuous, less glitzy and less difficult, their fans grow up, and a lot of them just don’t have the time for a band they all but worshipped in their teen years. Exo are currently in their sixth year, Wufan, Minseok and Luhan fast approaching their 30s, and even the maknaes are in their mid-20s. The choreographers give them a routine that isn’t all too difficult, but for some reason, Kyungsoo just can’t seem to get it.
His arms extend out too far and he socks Chanyeol in the ribs, managing to shove Yixing backwards in his haste to apologise. His face turns steadily redder, and nobody has the patience for this, least of all Jongin. His waist injury has become increasingly painful the past couple of months, and his tolerance level was never much to talk about. It’s to everyone’s shock that he snaps – but they’re all even more taken aback when his outburst is aimed at Kyungsoo.
‘What the hell’s wrong with you? Why do you have two left feet all of a sudden, hyung?’ Jongin yells, words coming out harsher because the pain in his waist begins to escalate. ‘Jongin, I – I’m just – ’ Kyungsoo stutters, at a loss for words. ‘You’re just what? Being a really inconsiderate band member? We’re all shit tired here, Kyungsoo hyung. All of us just want to get back to our own homes, and take a freaking break. But we can’t, because you’ve suddenly decided you don’t know how to control your own limbs for all of five minutes.’
Jongin’s chest heaves up and down, and Junmyeon and Wufan eye him viciously. ‘Kim Jongin. You are not to speak to him like that. He is as much a part of this team –’ Junmyeon’s words are cut off by Kyungsoo, who holds his hand up to stop the lecture he knows is going Jongin’s way. He looks at Jongin for all of three seconds before turning on his heel and silently exiting the practice room without a word. The remaining members all mutter among themselves, leaving Jongin to stare at the door Kyungsoo had slammed shut on his way out.
Jongin goes home to find the apartment void of any trace of Kyungsoo, and no wide eyed man with a melodious voice and an infectious smile accompanies him at night.
+
Months go by and they get through their comeback, Jongin and Kyungsoo steadily avoiding each other, tension starting to weigh on their members’ shoulders. Neither have said a word to the other since Jongin’s outburst, and neither seem to show signs of wanting to change their mind.
Jongin doesn’t want to admit it, but the tension he and Kyungsoo let grow between them seems to infect the entire group.
Exo isn’t one anymore.
+
‘Sales from your latest album haven’t been doing very well. Wufan approached us – he’s had enough. He wants to go back to Canada, at least for a few months. You’re not getting any younger, and Minseok and Junmyeon both need to start thinking about national service pretty soon. We have two options here: we either take a long hiatus until everyone’s got their heads back in the game – or we dissolve the group. The choice is in your hands.’
The following Monday, Wufan’s room in the dorm he still shares with the other three Chinese members is void of all things Wufan, suitcases packed and ready to go with a one-way ticket to Canada sitting atop it. Minseok and Junmyeon turn up solemn-faced at Wufan’s farewell, and by the end of the night it’s common knowledge that the two will enlist in the army in August.
It’s a sombre air that surrounds the twelve men – all their faces plastered with wrinkles and expressions they didn’t have on seven years ago, when they first debuted. The night grows ever darker and Junmyeon and Wufan glance at each other – a habit neither has been able to kick since the 8th of April, 2012 – and nod in understanding. They round up all twelve members and proceed to leave the restaurant, quietly making their way to the SM building and going into the dance studio they remember practicing History in for the first time so many years ago.
All twelve men sit in a circle on the floor, shoulders slouching, suddenly weighed down by the enormity of what is to come next. Because in this room – in this room is where all their dreams finally took shape, in this room is where all their hopes and aspirations finally became tangible enough for them to taste on their tongues. In this room is where they had all shed blood, sweat and tears, in this room, this very room – is where they all bonded, twelve unlikely brothers coming together to bring to life their common dream.
It is midnight when Junmyeon suggests that they each go around, one person at a time, to talk about all the good times they’ve had together, all their ups and downs and all the things they’d been too afraid to tell each other up until this defining point. His eleven bandmates – soon to be ex, he thinks sadly – all nod in agreement, and Wufan begins. Smiles and laughter soon fade out to stifled sobs and quiet tears, as the last person, Zitao, says his piece and the room falls silent. It is almost two thirty in the morning, and although they’d all, at one point or another, stayed in this room for far later than that, this time, something is different.
Because now – now none of them want to leave, none of them like the finality that rings through the silence, a siren in the dead of night. Jongin takes a pensive look around and spots Kyungsoo, eyes nowhere near dry, with tear tracks running down his cheeks. He’s suddenly hit with the memory of the first time Kyungsoo had shed tears in this room – the time he’d been told he wasn’t good enough after hours and hours of practice. Jongin averts his gaze and shoves the thought away the moment Kyungsoo’s eyes meet his, wet brown irises holding years and years of his wrongs, and Jongin is unable to recognise any of his rights.
Wufan clears his throat when the clock on the wall tells them it’s almost three, and all twelve men seem to come back to their senses and move to stand up. Final hugs are given, numbers and promises to keep in touch exchanged, before Junmyeon puts his hand out in front of him, followed almost instinctively by Wufan, and Luhan and Minseok and then gradually, there are twelve arms in the middle of a circle of twelve bodies, eyes teary but bright, because the future – the future, they think, is just the next adventure the twelve of them have to undertake. Jongin inhales a shaky breath, eyes finding Kyungsoo’s, which are already on him, just like they always are, even after all these years. Junmyeon clears his throat and eleven pairs of eyes are on him, before he leads them all in their habitual battle cry – ‘Exo!’
‘SARANGHANDA!’
The next morning, the news of Exo’s disbandment hits tabloids and all corners of the internet just as its members wave goodbye to their duizhang, the smell of different countries and the sound of different languages embedded in their minds with the finality of his leaving. Jongin takes this moment to see if Kyungsoo would let him stand next to the older, which he does. Jongin’s heart does the smallest of leaps, nothing compared to what it used to do when he was younger.
Just as Wufan’s plane takes off, Jongin feels Kyungsoo’s fingers intertwine with his, pale skin fitting perfectly between his own. Jongin’s taken slightly aback by Kyungsoo’s actions, unsure of whether this meant what he hoped and prayed it did – but as his eyes flit up to meet Kyungsoo’s, all his worries escape him because finally, finally after all these years, Kyungsoo’s looking at him in that way again, in a way that makes Jongin feel like he’s the only person among the hundreds of locals and foreigners in the terminal, like there’s nothing in the world Kyungsoo would rather be looking at.
Kyungsoo gently brings Jongin’s hand up to brush his lips, eyes never leaving his, and Jongin swears his heart stops beating altogether. The small smirk that curls Kyungsoo’s lips is one born of snarky confidence, but Jongin takes it as so much more than that.
Maybe one chapter of their lives was ending now, but with that gesture – that gentle, easy-to-miss gesture – Jongin knows, is certain, that another chapter – one he’s been waiting to get to since the age of six – was finally, finally about to begin.
+
A year goes by and Jongin and Kyungsoo are inseparable once again. Jongin relearns all the contours of Kyungsoo’s body, just as Kyungsoo regains his hold on Jongin’s heart, something he was so afraid of losing forever.
(And it’s childish and immature, but Jongin doesn’t want to let on the extent to which he loves Kyungsoo, so he never thinks for a minute to tell the older that he would never have lost it, ever.)
It’s a cheerful spring day and Jongin and Kyungsoo find themselves back in the old playground they used to go to as kids, but the play equipment is void of any toddlers. Jongin and Kyungsoo share a knowing smile – one that speaks of memories coming from a lifetime ago, but that which they kept with them even after all this time. Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss in Jongin’s eyes as he looks in them, and Jongin’s thankful for all those years being thrust under the spotlight because if there’s one thing he learned from it – it was how to hide his nerves.
And Jongin was beyond nervous.
They sit down at a bench to take a rest, and Jongin buys them both a childish ice cream each, ‘In celebration of rediscovering our inner children,’ he says, and Kyungsoo doesn’t find it anywhere in him to protest. Once their desserts have been eaten and the containers disposed of, Jongin decides it’s time to make his move.
‘Hey Soo?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I bet you could still fit on one of those swings,’
‘I bet you could still push me high up enough for me to see my old house,’
‘We’ll have to try it to see.’
Jongin tugs Kyungsoo up gently, leading him to the swing set. True enough, Kyungsoo’s still small enough to fit – albeit a little snugly – on the largest swing, and beams up at Jongin at the discovery. Looking down at Kyungsoo like that, Jongin’s vaguely reminded of the Kyungsoo from all those years ago, the Kyungsoo who hid his talent and his voice from the world, the Kyungsoo before all the layers of makeup and the incessant demands for more brought wrinkles and lines to his skin. Jongin smiles to himself because some things will change, it’s inevitable. But other things, more important things, will always remain the same.
Jongin positions himself behind Kyungsoo and pulls him back before shoving him with all his might, and Kyungsoo’s weight makes it impossible to fully see his old house, but he manages to get a slight glimpse of it anyway. When he’s back on solid ground, he finds Jongin strangely quiet, and the laughter dies down in his throat. ‘Jongin?’ Kyungsoo murmurs, wondering what’s wrong.
‘Hyung… How do you feel about living in America?’ Jongin asks, words a little too rushed and syllables a little too squashed together. Kyungsoo’s eyebrows knit together in confusion, his mind unable to follow Jongin’s trail of thoughts.
And then Jongin’s on one knee again, pulling a small box out of his pocket as he goes. Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at his realisation – because inside the box is a band of white gold, one that Kyungsoo can tell will fit him perfectly.
‘Do Kyungsoo… You have been the love of my life for as long as I can remember. I love everything about you – the way your smile slants to the right when you’re not completely pleased, the way you kiss me good morning, the way you push me away every morning when I try to take things further. Every minute, every moment I spend with you is one I know I will cherish for the rest of my life. But I don’t want to have to do that alone. I don’t want to have to live for memories of you, I want to live for you. On the 10th of April twenty years ago, I got down on one knee, just like I’m doing now, and I asked you to marry me. You told me to ask you again in a few years’ time. Well, it’s been twenty years now and nothing’s changed. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you, just like I did when I was six. So, Do Kyungsoo,’ – here he reached out and took Kyungsoo’s hand with one of his own – ‘will you marry me?’
It’s in those four words that Kyungsoo suddenly feels a multitude of emotions. His jaw drops from surprise, tears well up in his eyes at Jongin’s sincerity and his heart swells with happiness. He pushes himself off the swing, finding his way into Jongin’s arms before peppering the younger with kisses across his face and jaw. Jongin tilts Kyungsoo’s head up so he can claim those lips in a proper kiss, one that feels like it’s years overdue. When they pull away they’re both breathing heavily, inhaling everything the other exhales.
‘So what do you say?’
‘Yes.’
A/N: okay.
Okay.
So I finished my finals today
and I opened Word
and things happened
but
yeah
thank you for reading! (if you got this far hahaha)
~6000w.
The first time Jongin proposes to Kyungsoo is in the playground, with his hand clutching a soft brown wooden ring (that he made himself) and his heart set on forever.
Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo have been together forever. There are photos of their first meeting – a chubby cheeked 1 year old peering into a crib containing a newborn baby – that neither of them can remember, and countless other photos that they can, memories that shine clearly through the haze of years passed.
Our story begins when Kim Jongin is six years old, and Do Kyungsoo is seven. The two live in the same neighbourhood, a quiet house in the suburbs of Seoul where children – like themselves – are often seen running around freely, enjoying their carefree days to the fullest. Jongin and Kyungsoo are no exception.
They’re at the park now, two little boys in their own imaginary world in which Kyungsoo is Peter Pan and Jongin is a reluctant Captain Hook. But if his Kyungsoo hyung wants to play Peter Pan, then Jongin doesn’t mind being the bad guy, he supposes. ‘Hand over the booty!’ Kyungsoo screeches, eyes locked on the coin Jongin’s sister had given them clutched in his hand. ‘Arr, no! The booty is mine!’ Jongin hisses, hand forming something resembling a hook, waving it in front of Kyungsoo’s face as the latter leaps back in shock. ‘Then I guess I’m going to have to take it!’ Kyungsoo hollers, and he brandishes his new Power Rangers ruler at Jongin in what he thinks is a threatening manner.
The two wind up battling it out in the sandbox, the grass around it a treacherous sea that neither want to fall into. Finally Jongin gets tired of the game – mostly because with one hand curled into a hook and the other holding on to the coin, Jongin doesn’t really have a fighting chance – and holds his hands up in surrender. He enjoys the look of triumph on Kyungsoo’s face, the way his baby fat still shows up a little when he smiles in exactly that way, the way his eyes crinkle and Jongin feels happy to be the cause of all that beauty.
Jongin feels happy whenever he is with Kyungsoo.
‘You gave up quickly!’ Kyungsoo remarks, moving to get out of the sandbox and pulling Jongin out after him. ‘I got tired,’ Jongin says, jumping a few times to get the sand out of his shorts. ‘Since when do you get tired?’ Kyungsoo asks, wrinkling his nose as he moves to sit on one of the swings. Jongin resists the urge to pinch Kyungsoo’s cheeks – ‘I’m a big boy now, Jongin, so you can’t treat me like I’m one of those littler kids!’ ‘But you look like one of them!’ ‘I don’t care! I’m a big kid now!’ – and pockets the coin before he goes wandering around the rest of the playground.
‘Are you looking for something?’ Kyungsoo asks, and Jongin feels somewhat silly, but Kyungsoo’s voice is one of his favourite things in the world, right up there with ice cream and Saturday morning cartoons. ‘Nothing really, hyung!’ Jongin calls back, facing the opposite direction in hopes that Kyungsoo wouldn’t see the blush that was creeping on his face. ‘Well don’t go too far, or your noona will be mad!’ Kyungsoo shouts again, and Jongin nods in response.
He’d watched a show with his family last night – an icky love story, Jongin had thought before the movie started – and had asked why the man was giving his girlfriend a ring while he was down on one knee. ‘Do his legs hurt?’ Jongin asked his mother, who chuckled to herself and shook her head. ‘No, baby. He’s giving her one of these,’ Mrs Kim answered, showing the diamond engagement ring Jongin’s father had given her a few years back. ‘A ring? What for?’ Jongin questioned again, drawing irritated looks from his older sisters.
‘When two people love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, they do this thing called “get married”. When one of them – like your father, and that man on the TV just now – decides that they want to get married, they give the other person a ring – just like this one – and it means that they’re engaged to be married.’ Mrs Kim said, running her hands through her youngest son’s hair. Jongin had nodded in understanding, eyes moving back to the screen. He’d admired their love story, really – how they stuck with each other through thick and thin, how even when the girl cried and looked kind of ugly, the man still told her she was beautiful and that he loved her.
Jongin decided he wanted the same with Kyungsoo.
So when Jongin finds a tiny, delicate looking twig on the ground, his heart leaps. He crouches down to pick it up – ‘You better not be picking a bug to eat, Jongin!’ ‘I’m not, Soo hyung!’ – almost jumps for joy when he feels that it is easily bent and teased. He sits there for a few minutes, twirling it around his little ring finger before he decides it’s somewhat presentable enough to give to Kyungsoo. He stands up again, legs somewhat cramped from squatting for such a long time, takes a deep breath and makes his way back to Kyungsoo.
‘What do you have there?’ Kyungsoo asks, inquisitive eyes trying to peer around Jongin’s back to the thing he’s got clutched in his hands. ‘A present,’ Jongin mumbles quietly, suddenly hyper aware of how high the possibilities were that Kyungsoo could say no. ‘Is it for me?’ Kyungsoo asks again, eyes brightening at the thought. Jongin nods a little hesitantly, hair bouncing on top of his head as he finally lifts his eyes to meet Kyungsoo’s.
‘Hyung, do you know what “getting married” is?’ Jongin begins, voice finally finding its way out of his mouth. ‘Yeah,’ Kyungsoo answers, smile steadily growing wider. ‘Well,’ Jongin says, getting down on one knee in front of Kyungsoo’s who’s still seated on the swings, ‘The thing is, I think I kind of might be really in love with you. So will you marry me, hyung?’
Kyungsoo’s eyes go wide in disbelief, but Jongin isn’t sure whether it’s a pleasant or unpleasant kind of shock the older’s experiencing. A few long moments pass before Kyungsoo’s eyes go back to their normal size and curl up into twin crescents from the strength of his smile. ‘If you can push my swing so high I can see my house from here, I’ll marry you,’ Kyungsoo says, a mischievous undertone present in his voice. Jongin nods eagerly and puts his ring in his pocket, moving to position himself behind Kyungsoo before using up all his strength to heave the older back and push him up in the air.
Kyungsoo starts giggling – another one of Jongin’s favourite sounds, he thinks – and cries out in surprise when the force of Jongin’s push propels him higher than his legs had ever taken him, when he did this alone. ‘I can see my house from here!’ Kyungsoo confirms in a happy yell, and Jongin’s heart does somersaults in his chest as he steps out of the way to avoid getting winded by Kyungsoo coming back down.
When Kyungsoo’s back on the ground, red-faced and giggly, Jongin holds out the ring to him again with such a hopeful expression Kyungsoo swears he can practically see Jongin’s little doggy tail wagging. Kyungsoo smirks at the younger though, and pushes the ring away. Jongin’s expression falls immediately – and he doesn’t want to admit it, but he thinks he can’t properly see Kyungsoo because his vision has been blurred by tears that are threatening to spill over at any minute.
‘Ask me again in a couple of years, Jongin. For now, it’s a maybe,’ Kyungsoo says, that mischievous look ever present in his eyes. Jongin’s tears dry up immediately, and a smile grows on his face. ‘So all I have to do is wait? And ask you again? And then you’ll marry me?’ Jongin asks, bombarding Kyungsoo with questions he only wants to answer one of. ‘Maybe.’ comes Kyungsoo’s reply, and then Jongin’s sister is calling out to them and it’s time for them to head back home.
Later that night, Jongin pulls out his journal – he’s a boy, and diaries are meant for girls, thank you very much – and carefully pens an entry in large, messy handwriting.
10th April 2000 – Kyungsoo hyung says he might marry me. He’s not sure yet. I’ll have to ask him again in a couple of years just to make sure.
I want to be with him forever.
+
The second time Jongin asks him is the next day, hopes as high as his mind can fathom. His enthusiasm is greeted with a sad smile, and a gentle reprimand of ‘I said in a couple of years, not hours, Jongin.’ Jongin’s face falls in the same way, but Kyungsoo takes pity on the younger boy and gives him a gentle peck on the cheek. ‘My answer is still maybe. Ask me again in a few years.’
Jongin’s heart leaps.
+
Jongin is 14 and he can’t breathe. He’d spent the past two years of his life trying his hardest to get into SM, consequently missing out on spending days out with Kyungsoo and playing football with his sister’s boyfriend in his quest to perfect the movement of all his newly gangly limbs. It’s ironic, he thinks, that the very thing he dreams of doing – the only thing (other than Kyungsoo) that keeps him going is the exact cause of his nervous heart palpitations right then.
He’s standing inside the SM building at his final call back, in a line of other nervous hopefuls who eye him viciously. Jongin tries to ignore them all, but it’s near impossible – his dance classmate, Taemin, had managed to get in on his first try, and here Jongin was at his third, his previous two having ended in no phone call and sleepless nights wondering why. He looks back at the line and wonders how many of them have been having a go at the audition for years – wonders how many dreams SM will crush today. But he doesn’t have much time to dwell on his thoughts, because just then a woman dressed in a soft yellow dress shirt and light blue skirt with her hair pulled up in a severe looking bun exits the room the evaluators are in.
The tension in the air is so heavy Jongin suddenly feels flattened by it, but he doesn’t let his nerves show, doesn’t crack in front of the competition. The woman begins telling the hopefuls that they all have talent, all have potential – but the idol market is predicted to become oversaturated with talents from existing and future entertainment companies, and, though they would like to accept them all, it is crucial that they only pick the best of the best.
Jongin swallows a lump that formed in the back of his throat as the woman begins to coolly read names of a very short list, waiting for each newly accepted trainee to stand up, greet her and make his or her way to the next room. Jongin knows it’s company policy to only accept four trainees from the auditions, and he’s counted, there’s only one name left on her list.
He doesn’t think he can handle the disappointment a third time, but he tries his best to ready himself for the pain of not having his name called out again. He screws his eyes shut tight and grips the fabric of his sweatpants so hard his knuckles turn white, when – ‘And lastly, Kim Jongin.’
Jongin looks up at the woman with a mixture of wonder and disbelief on his face, eyes starting to sting with emotion as the reality finally hits him – he’s been accepted. He’s done it. He’s officially a trainee at SM Entertainment. His hard work, all those classes he’d gone to – they’d all paid off. Jongin quickly gathers up his gym bag, gets off his chair and rushes over to greet the woman and proceed to the next room, where he is given a set of instructions in terms of his contract and some intimidating-looking lawyer’s contact details. Jongin absorbs almost none of this, though, because all he can think of is the look on Kyungsoo’s face when he breaks the news.
When they’re allowed to go Jongin all but runs all the way home, excitement barely contained. He doesn’t properly stop running until he’s at Kyungsoo’s front door (instead of his own) and his fist is busy trying to leave an indent in the wood. Kyungsoo yanks the door open and is about to let out an irritable ‘What the hell do you want, Kim Jongin?’ but the words die in his throat when he sees the letter Jongin has in his hand, and Kyungsoo envelopes the younger in a tight hug.
‘You did it, Jonginnie! You finally did it!’ Kyungsoo exclaims, voice brimming with emotion. The look of sheer joy on Jongin’s face is infectious, and Kyungsoo feels a large smile crawl onto his own, mirroring the younger’s. ‘I know, I know, it’s unbelievable, right?’ Jongin says, smile never wavering. They stand in the doorway for a few moments, eyes locked on each other’s and just a general aura of joy surrounding them. Jongin decides there isn’t a better time to do this, and maybe his luck will change, so he gets down on one knee – for the fifth time – and pulls out a ring he’d won from the arcade the other day.
‘Kyungsoo hyung, will you marry me?’ he asks, voice still as hopeful as it was eight years ago. ‘Kim Jongin, you sly bastard. I’m not even dating you and you’re already asking me to marry you,’ Kyungsoo says, a laugh garbling his words. ‘Is that a yes?’ Jongin asks, already mentally thanking Lady Luck for bringing him so much fortune today. Kyungsoo grabs Jongin’s hands with both of his, curling the younger’s fingers over the ring in his palm.
‘Maybe. Ask me again in a few years.’
+
Somewhere between Jongin’s official acceptance as a trainee into SM Entertainment and Kyungsoo’s being scouted, Jongin plucks up the courage to ask Kyungsoo to be his boyfriend. The latter gladly accepts, whispering out a ‘finally,’ after they share their first kiss.
When Kyungsoo also becomes a trainee, Jongin decides to step it up a notch, spending a sizeable chunk of his savings on a silver ring, which he uses to propose for the sixth time.
The day he asks Kyungsoo one more time to marry him, Kyungsoo brings his ‘maybe. Ask me again in a few years,’ count up to six.
+
The atmosphere inside Conference Room 2 is stifling. Jongin has no idea why he’s in there – it’s not the 1st or 16th, so he knows he isn’t in here to be given his fortnightly trainee evaluation. The other 11 trainees in the room – among whom, he notes with mild surprise, is Kyungsoo – also look just as clueless, and Jongin feels the fear of the unknown rise up in his throat.
A man he recognises as Mr Choi, one of the company’s higher ranking employees, pushes the door open and gives all twelve boys a curt nod. Jongin automatically dips down in a 90 degree bow, heart beating loudly in his chest. There’s a folder in Mr Choi’s hands, and Jongin can vaguely make out something that looks like a hexagon on the cover, but with lines crossing from certain corners to other ones. Jongin doesn’t want to get his hopes up – but it looks something like a new logo for a boy band.
‘Good morning. Please take a seat.’ Mr Choi says, voice crisp and sharp, using only as many words as he needs. All twelve trainees shuffle about uncertainly, until the tallest of them – the trainee who has so many names Jongin’s grown accustomed to just calling him Fan hyung – takes a seat and the others follow suit. They eye each other up and down, ‘sizing up the competition,’ just like their trainers told them to do. But there’s no real hostility between them, because there are some things you need to go through with other people by your side – and being a trainee at the famed SM Entertainment is one of them.
‘I’ll keep this as short and simple as possible. The company plans to debut a new group within the first quarter of next year, and it’s a group with a unique concept in that there will be two sub groups – the K and M units – that will promote Korean songs in Korea and Mandarin songs in China respectively. I suppose a congratulations is in order. You have all been selected to be a part of this new venture.’ Mr Choi’s previously unreadable face breaks out into a large grin, and worried looks evaporate from young faces, replaced with expressions of joy and happiness.
Jongin thinks his face might break in half, the strength of his smile is as such. He turns to face Kyungsoo, easily spotting the older’s large eyes in a line of others, and finds them already on him. Jongin mouths a silent ‘we did it!’ at Kyungsoo, and the older’s face lights up even more as he holds a thumbs up for Jongin. Jongin’s heart swells with pride and he thinks, finally, that luck is on his side.
Being able to dance, to perform for other people, to finally showcase his talent and do what he loves for a living – it’s a dream to Jongin, something he previously thought was unattainable. But now, with the pages that he’s being handed containing his contract, he’s hit with the reality of his fortune, being able to dance to the sound of Kyungsoo’s voice for the next few years.
Jongin wonders if the smile that’s on Kyungsoo’s lips in any way mirrors the one that’s on his own heart.
+
The night before their debut showcase, Kyungsoo and Jongin decide to sleep in Jongin’s bed, both their hearts waging wars in their ribcages. Kyungsoo’s back is pressed up against Jongin’s chest, and he’s got the younger’s palm held up to his nose. It’s an odd habit, Baekhyun had commented, but Kyungsoo thinks nothing of it because for as long as he can remember, the only thing that could properly calm him down was Jongin, and Jongin alone. Besides, Kyungsoo really liked the way Jongin smells – like soap and something sweet, and he sleeps best when that smell engulfs him.
Tonight, however, is an exception, both hearts beating erratically, too loud in their ears to sleep. ‘Soo?’ Jongin whispers, breath warming the outer shell of Kyungsoo’s ear. ‘Yeah?’ Kyungsoo breathes back, too afraid to speak too loudly for fear of waking up their other members. ‘Are you nervous?’ Jongin asks. Kyungsoo chuckles softly and brings Jongin’s palm to his chest, settling it right above his rapidly beating heart. Jongin contemplates the rapid thrum he feels under his fingers, and lets out a little laugh. ‘I take it you are,’ he whispers, dragging Kyungsoo closer into his chest and burying his face in the older’s hair.
‘We’ll be fine, you know.’
‘I know.’
‘So get some sleep.’
‘I will.’
‘That’s good.’
‘Hey Jongin?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
They fall asleep for a few hours before Kyungsoo’s phone alarm awakens them and Kyungsoo leaps from Jongin’s bed onto his own before Junmyeon can come in to make sure they’re both awake. Jongin and Kyungsoo glance at each other, reassuring looks before they get up and get ready for the day.
Hours pass by in a haze of hurried final rehearsals, briefings on costume changes, vocal run-throughs and clouds of hair product accompanied by tubs of makeup. Junmyeon and Wufan manage to round up the other ten members to give them all final words of inspiration before they’re all filing out to their places on stage.
The showcase goes off without a hitch, and all twelve members of the newly-debuted boy band from SM Entertainment, Exo, are riding on highs born of months of hard work, countless sleepless nights and tears cried into pillows, finally coming to fruition. Jongin’s especially giddy after the spotlight dims, and he yanks Kyungsoo in with him to a broom closet, roughly pushing the older up against the door and snatching his lips up in a passionate kiss. Kyungsoo tastes like lip gloss and sweat and adrenaline, and Jongin feels like he could get addicted to this.
He pulls away from Kyungsoo, breath coming out in laboured pants, face flushed a bright red from the moment he stepped off stage. He doesn’t have a ring with him, doesn’t have any sort of symbol to give Kyungsoo right that very moment – but he presses his forehead up against the older’s anyway, and whispers, so quietly even Kyungsoo barely hears him: ‘Will you marry me?’
Kyungsoo smiles an affectionate smile before granting Jongin a chaste kiss on full lips.
‘Ask me again sometime.’
+
Years go by and Jongin and Kyungsoo, along with the rest of Exo, soar to greater heights. Being in SM, with so many other madly popular groups means that comebacks are few and far between for these boys, so they have to work doubly hard to gain recognition and proper footing in the industry. They have their first comeback, with a repackage after their first anniversary, one after their two and a half year mark, and debut in Japan somewhere within their third year. Thei fourth year sees some members moving out of the dorms, Jongin and Kyungsoo making a home in a small apartment in the building opposite their assigned dorms provided by SM.
None of the members realise it at first, but time is beginning to catch up to them. Gradually their choreography gets less strenuous, less glitzy and less difficult, their fans grow up, and a lot of them just don’t have the time for a band they all but worshipped in their teen years. Exo are currently in their sixth year, Wufan, Minseok and Luhan fast approaching their 30s, and even the maknaes are in their mid-20s. The choreographers give them a routine that isn’t all too difficult, but for some reason, Kyungsoo just can’t seem to get it.
His arms extend out too far and he socks Chanyeol in the ribs, managing to shove Yixing backwards in his haste to apologise. His face turns steadily redder, and nobody has the patience for this, least of all Jongin. His waist injury has become increasingly painful the past couple of months, and his tolerance level was never much to talk about. It’s to everyone’s shock that he snaps – but they’re all even more taken aback when his outburst is aimed at Kyungsoo.
‘What the hell’s wrong with you? Why do you have two left feet all of a sudden, hyung?’ Jongin yells, words coming out harsher because the pain in his waist begins to escalate. ‘Jongin, I – I’m just – ’ Kyungsoo stutters, at a loss for words. ‘You’re just what? Being a really inconsiderate band member? We’re all shit tired here, Kyungsoo hyung. All of us just want to get back to our own homes, and take a freaking break. But we can’t, because you’ve suddenly decided you don’t know how to control your own limbs for all of five minutes.’
Jongin’s chest heaves up and down, and Junmyeon and Wufan eye him viciously. ‘Kim Jongin. You are not to speak to him like that. He is as much a part of this team –’ Junmyeon’s words are cut off by Kyungsoo, who holds his hand up to stop the lecture he knows is going Jongin’s way. He looks at Jongin for all of three seconds before turning on his heel and silently exiting the practice room without a word. The remaining members all mutter among themselves, leaving Jongin to stare at the door Kyungsoo had slammed shut on his way out.
Jongin goes home to find the apartment void of any trace of Kyungsoo, and no wide eyed man with a melodious voice and an infectious smile accompanies him at night.
+
Months go by and they get through their comeback, Jongin and Kyungsoo steadily avoiding each other, tension starting to weigh on their members’ shoulders. Neither have said a word to the other since Jongin’s outburst, and neither seem to show signs of wanting to change their mind.
Jongin doesn’t want to admit it, but the tension he and Kyungsoo let grow between them seems to infect the entire group.
Exo isn’t one anymore.
+
‘Sales from your latest album haven’t been doing very well. Wufan approached us – he’s had enough. He wants to go back to Canada, at least for a few months. You’re not getting any younger, and Minseok and Junmyeon both need to start thinking about national service pretty soon. We have two options here: we either take a long hiatus until everyone’s got their heads back in the game – or we dissolve the group. The choice is in your hands.’
The following Monday, Wufan’s room in the dorm he still shares with the other three Chinese members is void of all things Wufan, suitcases packed and ready to go with a one-way ticket to Canada sitting atop it. Minseok and Junmyeon turn up solemn-faced at Wufan’s farewell, and by the end of the night it’s common knowledge that the two will enlist in the army in August.
It’s a sombre air that surrounds the twelve men – all their faces plastered with wrinkles and expressions they didn’t have on seven years ago, when they first debuted. The night grows ever darker and Junmyeon and Wufan glance at each other – a habit neither has been able to kick since the 8th of April, 2012 – and nod in understanding. They round up all twelve members and proceed to leave the restaurant, quietly making their way to the SM building and going into the dance studio they remember practicing History in for the first time so many years ago.
All twelve men sit in a circle on the floor, shoulders slouching, suddenly weighed down by the enormity of what is to come next. Because in this room – in this room is where all their dreams finally took shape, in this room is where all their hopes and aspirations finally became tangible enough for them to taste on their tongues. In this room is where they had all shed blood, sweat and tears, in this room, this very room – is where they all bonded, twelve unlikely brothers coming together to bring to life their common dream.
It is midnight when Junmyeon suggests that they each go around, one person at a time, to talk about all the good times they’ve had together, all their ups and downs and all the things they’d been too afraid to tell each other up until this defining point. His eleven bandmates – soon to be ex, he thinks sadly – all nod in agreement, and Wufan begins. Smiles and laughter soon fade out to stifled sobs and quiet tears, as the last person, Zitao, says his piece and the room falls silent. It is almost two thirty in the morning, and although they’d all, at one point or another, stayed in this room for far later than that, this time, something is different.
Because now – now none of them want to leave, none of them like the finality that rings through the silence, a siren in the dead of night. Jongin takes a pensive look around and spots Kyungsoo, eyes nowhere near dry, with tear tracks running down his cheeks. He’s suddenly hit with the memory of the first time Kyungsoo had shed tears in this room – the time he’d been told he wasn’t good enough after hours and hours of practice. Jongin averts his gaze and shoves the thought away the moment Kyungsoo’s eyes meet his, wet brown irises holding years and years of his wrongs, and Jongin is unable to recognise any of his rights.
Wufan clears his throat when the clock on the wall tells them it’s almost three, and all twelve men seem to come back to their senses and move to stand up. Final hugs are given, numbers and promises to keep in touch exchanged, before Junmyeon puts his hand out in front of him, followed almost instinctively by Wufan, and Luhan and Minseok and then gradually, there are twelve arms in the middle of a circle of twelve bodies, eyes teary but bright, because the future – the future, they think, is just the next adventure the twelve of them have to undertake. Jongin inhales a shaky breath, eyes finding Kyungsoo’s, which are already on him, just like they always are, even after all these years. Junmyeon clears his throat and eleven pairs of eyes are on him, before he leads them all in their habitual battle cry – ‘Exo!’
‘SARANGHANDA!’
The next morning, the news of Exo’s disbandment hits tabloids and all corners of the internet just as its members wave goodbye to their duizhang, the smell of different countries and the sound of different languages embedded in their minds with the finality of his leaving. Jongin takes this moment to see if Kyungsoo would let him stand next to the older, which he does. Jongin’s heart does the smallest of leaps, nothing compared to what it used to do when he was younger.
Just as Wufan’s plane takes off, Jongin feels Kyungsoo’s fingers intertwine with his, pale skin fitting perfectly between his own. Jongin’s taken slightly aback by Kyungsoo’s actions, unsure of whether this meant what he hoped and prayed it did – but as his eyes flit up to meet Kyungsoo’s, all his worries escape him because finally, finally after all these years, Kyungsoo’s looking at him in that way again, in a way that makes Jongin feel like he’s the only person among the hundreds of locals and foreigners in the terminal, like there’s nothing in the world Kyungsoo would rather be looking at.
Kyungsoo gently brings Jongin’s hand up to brush his lips, eyes never leaving his, and Jongin swears his heart stops beating altogether. The small smirk that curls Kyungsoo’s lips is one born of snarky confidence, but Jongin takes it as so much more than that.
Maybe one chapter of their lives was ending now, but with that gesture – that gentle, easy-to-miss gesture – Jongin knows, is certain, that another chapter – one he’s been waiting to get to since the age of six – was finally, finally about to begin.
+
A year goes by and Jongin and Kyungsoo are inseparable once again. Jongin relearns all the contours of Kyungsoo’s body, just as Kyungsoo regains his hold on Jongin’s heart, something he was so afraid of losing forever.
(And it’s childish and immature, but Jongin doesn’t want to let on the extent to which he loves Kyungsoo, so he never thinks for a minute to tell the older that he would never have lost it, ever.)
It’s a cheerful spring day and Jongin and Kyungsoo find themselves back in the old playground they used to go to as kids, but the play equipment is void of any toddlers. Jongin and Kyungsoo share a knowing smile – one that speaks of memories coming from a lifetime ago, but that which they kept with them even after all this time. Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss in Jongin’s eyes as he looks in them, and Jongin’s thankful for all those years being thrust under the spotlight because if there’s one thing he learned from it – it was how to hide his nerves.
And Jongin was beyond nervous.
They sit down at a bench to take a rest, and Jongin buys them both a childish ice cream each, ‘In celebration of rediscovering our inner children,’ he says, and Kyungsoo doesn’t find it anywhere in him to protest. Once their desserts have been eaten and the containers disposed of, Jongin decides it’s time to make his move.
‘Hey Soo?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I bet you could still fit on one of those swings,’
‘I bet you could still push me high up enough for me to see my old house,’
‘We’ll have to try it to see.’
Jongin tugs Kyungsoo up gently, leading him to the swing set. True enough, Kyungsoo’s still small enough to fit – albeit a little snugly – on the largest swing, and beams up at Jongin at the discovery. Looking down at Kyungsoo like that, Jongin’s vaguely reminded of the Kyungsoo from all those years ago, the Kyungsoo who hid his talent and his voice from the world, the Kyungsoo before all the layers of makeup and the incessant demands for more brought wrinkles and lines to his skin. Jongin smiles to himself because some things will change, it’s inevitable. But other things, more important things, will always remain the same.
Jongin positions himself behind Kyungsoo and pulls him back before shoving him with all his might, and Kyungsoo’s weight makes it impossible to fully see his old house, but he manages to get a slight glimpse of it anyway. When he’s back on solid ground, he finds Jongin strangely quiet, and the laughter dies down in his throat. ‘Jongin?’ Kyungsoo murmurs, wondering what’s wrong.
‘Hyung… How do you feel about living in America?’ Jongin asks, words a little too rushed and syllables a little too squashed together. Kyungsoo’s eyebrows knit together in confusion, his mind unable to follow Jongin’s trail of thoughts.
And then Jongin’s on one knee again, pulling a small box out of his pocket as he goes. Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at his realisation – because inside the box is a band of white gold, one that Kyungsoo can tell will fit him perfectly.
‘Do Kyungsoo… You have been the love of my life for as long as I can remember. I love everything about you – the way your smile slants to the right when you’re not completely pleased, the way you kiss me good morning, the way you push me away every morning when I try to take things further. Every minute, every moment I spend with you is one I know I will cherish for the rest of my life. But I don’t want to have to do that alone. I don’t want to have to live for memories of you, I want to live for you. On the 10th of April twenty years ago, I got down on one knee, just like I’m doing now, and I asked you to marry me. You told me to ask you again in a few years’ time. Well, it’s been twenty years now and nothing’s changed. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you, just like I did when I was six. So, Do Kyungsoo,’ – here he reached out and took Kyungsoo’s hand with one of his own – ‘will you marry me?’
It’s in those four words that Kyungsoo suddenly feels a multitude of emotions. His jaw drops from surprise, tears well up in his eyes at Jongin’s sincerity and his heart swells with happiness. He pushes himself off the swing, finding his way into Jongin’s arms before peppering the younger with kisses across his face and jaw. Jongin tilts Kyungsoo’s head up so he can claim those lips in a proper kiss, one that feels like it’s years overdue. When they pull away they’re both breathing heavily, inhaling everything the other exhales.
‘So what do you say?’
‘Yes.’
A/N: okay.
Okay.
So I finished my finals today
and I opened Word
and things happened
but
yeah
thank you for reading! (if you got this far hahaha)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}