adrift on your shores (so carry me home tonight) [iii/iii]

[.livejournal.com]

i. / ii.

Kyungsoo (11:53PM)
Jongin?
Jongin are you there?
Lol you left without a word we were worried

Kyungsoo (12:47AM)
Jongiiiiiiiiiiiin…… I’m lonely.
(And okay, maybe I miss you.)

Kyungsoo (1:49AM)
Jongin?
Are you there?
Has something happened?

Kyungsoo (3:06 AM)
Did… Did he find out?
About us?

Kyungsoo (3:43AM)
Jongin, if something’s gone wrong, if something’s happened to you
Please please please let me know
Please at least tell me you’re alright

Kyungsoo (4:28AM)
I don’t know if it’d be wise to call you.
I mean, I don’t want to cause any more trouble between you and Sehun
If that’s what all this is about, anyway
So
Goodnight, Jongin.

He types out an “I love you”, but laughs cynically at his naiveté before he erases all the letters and switches his phone off, trying to catch precious grains of the sands of sleep in his hands.







Kyungsoo dreams about drowning again. It’s more painful this time, the imagery more vivid – he floats along literally just under the surface of the water, dry air and wind only inches away from his fingertips. He can taste triumph on his tongue, can taste escape, liberation as if it were tangible, melting in his mouth.

And then something tugs him back down, firm, burning fingers clutching at both his ankles, preventing an escape. Bubbles of surprise escape his nose and steal precious oxygen from Kyungsoo’s lungs, and he’s putting up a fight against the scorching touches near his feet, failing to comprehend how fire could burn so hot underwater.

In the midst of all this chaos, Jongin’s face shines clear in Kyungsoo’s thoughts. His features are a beacon of hope in the dead of night, one that shines so brightly it blinds, until it diminishes altogehter into nothingness. Kyungsoo seems to only be able to remember instances when the younger stays with him into the wee hours of the morning, when Jongin stumbles out the door and back home before dawn breaks. He can only remember those times after they’re both satiated that Jongin calls Sehun up and assures him he’ll be back in time for dinner with their friends tonight.

He only remembers things that, in turn, remind him of the time he’d spent without Jongin. The times he wasn’t even Jongin’s anymore, and Jongin wasn’t his, that he’d spent night after night sitting bolt upright in bed alone, staring forlornly down at the empty space beside him. Kyungsoo knows only too well the feeling of having Jongin and having lost Jongin, of wishing and longing and absolutely pining for the latter’s warmth next to him.

He only remembers things that serve to make him think about how he used to feel the same way Sehun probably does now.

Kyungsoo doesn’t call Jongin the next morning.







It’s like a relentless rerun of a drama as old as time itself, one that insists on repeating the same depressing episode day after day just to kill time. Kyungsoo is back to sleepless nights spent alone and without comfort, and the bags underneath his eyes swell more than they used to, fatigue mixed in with tears that leave him simply exhausted. The only difference now is that Chanyeol and Zitao have some inkling as to what is going on, and Kyungsoo doesn’t slack off like he did the last time. Dealing with Wufan’s ire on top of his own distress doesn’t rank high on Kyungsoo’s list of priorities.

Chanyeol, Zitao and Junmyeon are the only members of the silent audience that watches Kyungsoo’s steady decline into abjection. Three pairs of eyes witness how Kyungsoo regularly checks his phone, even though no beep or vibration indicates a need to. Three tongues exchange worried whispers about Kyungsoo’s lack of appetite, his lack of enthusiasm, his general lack of Kyungsoo as a whole.

‘Do you think it’s got something to do with that Jongin guy?’ Junmyeon asks, three weeks into Kyungsoo’s silence. Chanyeol and Zitao both eye Junmyeon incredulously, neither being able to recall any instance in which they’d ever mentioned the name to him. Junmyeon rolls his eyes. ‘He owns that café I sent you to a couple of months ago, remember?’ he asks Chanyeol, whose brows unfurrow at the memory as he nods.

‘I don’t know. He’s never said anything about the guy to me, but we went out for dinner with him a couple of weeks back and they seem – um – pretty close, I’d say,’ Chanyeol says. Junmyeon nods as he considers this information. He doesn’t want to get involved in his colleagues’ personal lives, especially when there’s no need to. And with Kyungsoo’s current quality of work there is absolutely no reason for Junmyeon to go poking his nose in the former’s business, but even Wufan admits – the office doesn’t feel the same without their resident ray of sunshine. Kyungsoo may not be as hyperactive as Chanyeol is even on the best of days, but he’s got a contained kind of chaos to him that’s infectious, that keeps his mindset and, subsequently, his views, fresh and insightful with attention paid to every detail.

‘They’re involved.’ Zitao says abruptly, and Chanyeol and Junmyeon turn to stare wide eyed at him. Zitao likes gossip, has tabloid upon tabloid stowed in his bottom desk drawer, but they never expected him to gossip about his friends. Also, they’re both taken aback with the formality that drips off Zitao’s tone, none of that slightly eccentric lilt they’re accustomed to hearing in his voice. They’re both also intrigued as to how Zitao managed to unearth that tidbit of information in the first place. ‘I walked in on them. Doing things with each other. In the toilet that night.’ Zitao answers tonelessly.

‘Oh yeah! And then Kyungsoo came back and sat with me and then you did and then –’ here where Chanyeol’s eyes previously sparkled with recollection, they now dulled with borrowed sadness. ‘And then he walked out and didn’t say a word.’ Chanyeol’s eyes go from sad to searching as he scans Zitao’s features. ‘Did something happen between you two?’

Zitao doesn’t speak for what seems like forever, a silence that stretches over whole oceans as Chanyeol and Junmyeon wait for his voice’s voyage home. Finally Zitao opens his mouth to speak, but his throat seems to be closing up, words coming out in fragments and broken chords. ‘Jongin has – he’s seeing someone. He’s – he’s dating my – my friend, Sehun.’ Zitao brokenly whispers, and sirens sound in both his companions’ minds. They’re not used to seeing Zitao showcase raw emotion, so accustomed to his displays of superficial feeling.

Junmyeon moves his hand on instinct to pat Zitao comfortingly on his back. He rubs soothing circles into Zitao’s back until the younger nods to indicate that he’s okay. Junmyeon looks from the haunted shadows underlining Kyungsoo’s eyes to the hollowness of Zitao’s irises, and well, although he absolutely hates meddling, he supposes he’ll have to make an exception here. He knows he can’t just stand by and watch as hearts shatter like breakaway glass, harmless and lethal all at once.

‘You should tell him.’ Junmyeon quietly murmurs, low enough for him to hope Chanyeol’s too distracted to hear. He leans into Zitao’s ear when the younger’s face registers confusion, and says, ‘And I’m not talking about Jongin being with Kyungsoo.’

Junmyeon walks away with a smile on his face, and he thinks, well – that’s enough meddling for now.







Kyungsoo spends his days in the office and then goes straight home, ordering delivery for dinner every single night because he’s too tired to do much else once he gets back. All that’s left of his limited energy goes into properly completing his work so Wufan won’t yell at him, so Kyungsoo just ingests cheap delivery food day in and day out. He spends his nights much like how he used to before Jongin wormed his way back into his life – curled up by himself in a blanket that doesn’t quite keep out the cold. There is ice forming around Kyungsoo’s heart, and he’s sure that there is only one person’s touches in this world that burns hot enough to melt it.

It’s on one of these nights that a fist beats down on Kyungsoo’s door repeatedly, brute force slamming into painted wood over and over again. Kyungsoo wills his visitor away from the depths of the sheets he’s got himself cocooned in on the couch, hopes and prays that whoever it is that’s doing his door in will realise that it’s almost 1AM and acceptable social call times ended hours ago.

The bangs become more desperate and increase in frequency, so much so that Kyungsoo legitimately starts to fear for his door. He scowls as he unburies himself and shuffles over, not bothering to look into the peephole before removing the chain on his door and unlocking it. It swings open without a moment’s hesitation, and standing there, on his welcome mat, is a familiar tall boy with deep brown eyes and an innocent smile, and Kyungsoo’s breath hitches as sleep is wiped clear from his eyes.

‘Kyungsoo,’ Jongin greets, and there’s a sway in his step that tells Kyungsoo that the younger may not really be all there this very moment. His suspicions are confirmed when Jongin pulls Kyungsoo in for a kiss that’s all tongue, one that’s sloppy and messy and that Kyungsoo just can’t enjoy. Jongin pulls away and admires Kyungsoo through his drunken haze, and the latter feels hands crawling up the inside of his shirt. ‘You’re so warm, Kyungsoo,’ Jongin murmurs, a smirk on his lips. ‘Want me to make you feel even warmer?’ he breathes, hot air warming the outer shell of Kyungsoo’s ear.

Kyungsoo exhales in a deep sigh and removes Jongin’s hands from his body, tries to keep them off him as he pulls the younger into his bedroom. Jongin puts up little to no resistance as he’s dragged through the living room and into Kyungsoo’s, swaying a little, but otherwise behaving pretty well, Kyungsoo thinks.

It’s when they actually cross the threshold into Kyungsoo’s room that Jongin’s self control snaps, that he reaches for Kyungsoo with a grip that’s sure to leave bruises, that he uses brute strength and sensual kisses that makes Kyungsoo keen. Kyungsoo knows that there are a million and one reasons why he shouldn't do this – the alcohol he smells on Jongin’s breath one of them – but he can’t help himself. This is a crime of passion, this is sheer want and longing. This is years and years of wishing for someone who's finally coming home.

This is just Kyungsoo, and just his emotions, and his restraint finally cracking after years and years of keeping him in check. He doesn’t hold back tonight, takes full advantage of the possibility that Jongin won’t remember much – if anything – in the morning, and gives himself over completely to the younger. He presses kisses all over Jongin’s skin and drags his lips all down his neck, until Jongin is an incoherent mess beneath him.

Just before they finish Kyungsoo impulsively yells out an ‘I love you’, and he doesn’t expect it, but Jongin says it right back to him. No hesitation exists in the gap between Kyungsoo’s proclamation and Jongin’s, and it makes Kyungsoo’s heart flutter as he wonders if that means he actually means it.

Kyungsoo falls asleep wondering if Jongin would feel the same in the morning.







Light floods Kyungsoo’s apartment when Jongin’s eyes flutter open. Sunlight filters through sheer curtains so the glare isn’t too harsh on Jongin’s eyes, but dread fills him anyway. He doesn’t know what to expect, but he’s naked and in Kyungsoo’s bed and Kyungsoo is nowhere in sight. He wonders if killing himself sounds like a good idea, but decides against it because he doubts even Zitao could get the stains out of Kyungsoo’s sheets.

Zitao.

Jongin shakes his head to clear his thoughts before picking his boxers and pants off the ground and slipping into them. He walks timidly out of Kyungsoo’s bedroom to be greeted by the smell of breakfast cooking, the sound of Kyungsoo humming a tune Jongin thinks he knows but hasn’t heard in a while.

He musters up every ounce of courage his system has to offer and silently pads off to stand behind Kyungsoo, warm arms encircling the elder’s waist as he rests his chin in the crook of his neck. ‘Good morning,’ Jongin greets, trying to force life into his sleep-heavy throat. Kyungsoo responds with a stiffening of all his limbs, and Jongin feels a thorn spike worry into his heart.

‘Why... Why did you come here last night?’ Kyungsoo whispers, fingers removing Jongin’s arms from his body before he turns off the stove. Kyungsoo turns around to face the younger, hands hanging limp by his sides and Jongin actually cowers. ‘Why did you look for me?’ there’s a note of longing that sneaks its way into Kyungsoo’s tone as he speaks, and Jongin takes notice of that, pounces on it.

‘I guess... Old habits die hard?’ Jongin tries, not even earning so much as a snicker from the elder. Kyungsoo doesn’t look like he’s up for friendly banter between them on the morning after, and Jongin briefly wonders if it’s because they’ve barely shared any morning afters in the first place. He tries again. ‘Old habits die hard. And... And this is one I’m not willing to kick.’

Kyungsoo breathes in heavy and deep, fingers coming up to massage his temples. When he speaks again, his tone is prickly and unpleasant, and it makes Jongin flinch. ‘And does your boyfriend approve of these old habits?’

Silence hangs in the air between Kyungsoo and Jongin and Kyungsoo stares down a Jongin that isn’t even able to meet his eyes. So he takes a deep breath. ‘I  – I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.’ Kyungsoo’s eyes widen at Jongin’s words, a cross between joy and disbelief and confusion colouring his features. The expression gives Jongin encouragement, so he goes on. ‘Sehun and I – we broke up. He told me – he said he knows I haven’t been in love with him for a while now. He says he figured we’ve had our run, and what’s the use of being with someone who doesn’t make you happy?

‘He says it wouldn’t be fair for either of us if we kept going the way we were. He says there’s probably someone with “Jongin’s soulmate” stamped on their forehead walking around looking for me right now. So he figured he should let me go so I can go find the person I’m meant to be with, and he can go find his. Heck – he even laughed and said maybe I’d found mine already.’

Kyungsoo jaw drops in shock, new information not quite registering in his brain so early in the morning. ‘Between you and me, he’d been talking to Zitao a lot those last few weeks. I have a pretty good idea who he thinks his soulmate’s supposed to be.’ Jongin adds, and if it were physically possible, Kyungsoo’s jaw would have hit the floor by now.

‘Sehun – and Zitao?’ is all Kyungsoo manages to say in disbelief, and Jongin finds it absolutely adorable how the elder can’t seem to come to terms with this new development.

‘We broke up a few weeks ago, actually. I was just kind of – just kind of trying to think how would be the best way to tell you.’ Jongin mumbles. Kyungsoo’s ears prick up.

‘Why would you want to do that?’ he asks, curiosity in his voice. Jongin breathes out a sigh before he gently pulls Kyungsoo toward him, chest to chest, heart to heart.

‘Because I want to properly be with you. I want to be able to take you out on lunch dates when the sun’s shining, not on random excursions to the darkest bars in the middle of the night. I want to be able to hold your hand whenever and wherever I feel like it, just because I like how they’re so tiny that they fit right into mine. I want to be yours and yours only, just like how I want you to be mine. I want to try this again with you, Kyungsoo. But I want to do it right this time. So.’

Jongin’s fingers thread through all ten of Kyungsoo’s, and they both manage shy smiles for each other. ‘Will you be mine again?’

At Jongin’s words, Kyungsoo finally feels himself break the surface of the water he’d been drowning in for so long, finally feels himself able to inhale greedy gulps of oxygen, of air. Jongin is the current that washes him gently ashore, the calm that comes right after a storm. Jongin is that first sip of ice cold water on a hot summer’s day, the relief that makes its way slowly down his chest.

Jongin is Jongin, and he can safely say he’s Kyungsoo’s again.

And then their lips meet again and again, soft caresses of plump lips against each other, and everything feels perfect and is perfect and Kyungsoo all but sighs with happiness. He just barely manages quiet whispers of ‘Yes, yes of course, I’m not gonna leave you again,’ in the spaces between when his lips meet Jongin’s. Everything about the moment feels so right, and Kyungsoo smiles into the kiss, his arms coming up to loop around Jongin’s neck.

Because with Jongin, Kyungsoo is finally, finally whole again.

A/N: This is legitimately the longest thing I have //ever// written I don’t think I’ve ever
Wow
Big thanks to tlist for putting up with me screaming about this fic for the last idk week or so I’m really sorry I love all of you to itty bitty bits and pieces this was really tiring to write because //shitting long// (for me lah)
Let’s play spot the popular TV show reference!!!!
Also really thank you if you managed to get this far really truly you are brave warriors for waging this war I would give you medals if I could
twitter | ask.fm

Comments

[athasshirabu.livejournal.com]

I'm such a sucker for angsty romance ;;
I almost broke down into tears every now and then
especially when kyungsoo found out that jongin has a bf ;;
I'm so glad that they're finally together omfg
every little details in your writing gave so much strong feeling that they're just meant for each other
beautiful sobs
thanks for writing <3

[n i a r (from livejournal.com)]

O M G
your writing always stole my heart
/forever stalking your writing
i love this

[coppertears.livejournal.com]

asdffghjkl I LOST THE FIRST AND SECOND SPOTS
;A; I'm not done reading but I'm securing the third spot at least
!!!

[coppertears.livejournal.com]

SCREAMS A MILLION EXPLETIVES AT YOU HDU YOU STOMP ON MY HEART LIKE THIS HOW DARE YOU TEAR IT TO PIECES
I know I said that I was going to let my feelings settle down so i can write a proper comment, but gdi the moment I opened the comment box I was just overwhelmed ;A;
tbh I really, really dislike cheating fics, even if those fics end up with my OTP(Kaisoo) together, because i simply cannot handle the psychological implications of infidelity in general
but asdfghjkl I soldiered on anyway, and I really appreciate that after you've torn up my heart, you managed to tape it back together again
still incoherent, emma, but I hope you realize that this is only because I am in love with the pain that is your fic, and I am also in love with how bittersweet it is :)

[uselessminds.livejournal.com]

YAAAAY IT'S A HAPPY ENDING AFTER ALL ;~~~~; /throws confetti <333

[lattelotus.livejournal.com]

This is just unspeakably beautiful and I'm so glad you didn't make it end in a tragic way bc then I would have had to hunt you down and kill yo' ass. Otl. And even Sehun got his HEA. You have such an amazing way with words, Emma, I hope you never stop writing ...

[kfangirl4.livejournal.com]

I'm a die-hard card-carrying Kaisoo shipper who is always on the hunt for great Kaisoo fics. Thank you so much for this story - the movie theater scene hit my feels on so many levels and made me light-headed. *deep bow of gratitude in your general direction*

[exotaeng14.livejournal.com]

This is really really good. Jongin as the reason for Kyungsoo suffocating actually tore me apart. It actually hurt. And I rarely comment on angsty fics because I read too many that sometimes it doesn't feel angsty at all. This was something that you can't just wing it. It was well thought out. Although, it would have been better if the closure with Sehun was dealt with better and the way Jongin came about after all this angst but its your story. You don't have to take my opinion to account. Besides, this freaking HURT. My masochistic side kicking in. Thanks so much for this. T_T

[infin7te-xo.livejournal.com]

What happened to your angel fic ;; I can't find it anymore. Omg cries. :(((((

[uponinfinity.livejournal.com]

i'm going to rewrite it a little and post it up on this (uponinfinity) account! i'm sorry ;_;

[infin7te-xo.livejournal.com]

OMG WAIT YOU'RE UPONINFINITY????? OMG. ok >//< I feel so so so dumb right now ha ha ha hah ah ah ha. Anws........ Great! Haha I'm just glad it's not gone. I loved the prologue so much. Haha alright I'll make myself scarce rn OH GOD >///////